My son absolutely loves to play basketball. He’s good at it. One of the highlights of dreary Januarys and Februarys the last couple of years has been Noah’s Saturday morning games. I praise God for making Noah’s strong body and for creating his sharp mind whenever my son is on the court. It’s a joy to watch him play.
On one of those Saturday mornings this past winter, my husband was helping out by keeping time and running the score board. Jason was positioned between both competitors’ benches. He did his volunteer job well, encouraged the players, and helped out the coaches however he could during timeouts and halftime as he was often called to do even in their absence. I sat across the court watching the game with my daughter and the rest of Noah’s supportive family.
Unfortunately, my son and his team, who were largely a successful winning team, had a bad day. As the game got away from them, my son got more and more frustrated. He wasn’t used to losing and missing shots, and his little nine-year-old body showed more and more signs of stress with each run of the court.
During a timeout towards the end of the game, Noah went to his father in tears. I could see Jason trying but failing to console him. A few seconds later, Noah was told to sit down on the bench and pass a colored armband he was wearing to a teammate so that that person could enter the game in Noah’s stead. Instead of handing the armband to his teammate graciously, Noah threw it to the ground with great flourish and a frustrated grunt.
I watched the whole scene unfold quietly until Noah was disrespectful to his teammate. I have zero tolerance for that kind of behavior. Knowing that the outcome of the game had already been decided (Noah’s team was down at least 10 points with less than 2 minutes remaining), I made a quick decision to pull my son from the game to teach him to never act that way again. I knew it would be a tough lesson, but I preferred to address unsportsmanlike conduct while Noah was still little. If left unchecked he would morph into a rude teenage ballplayer.
I rose from my seat and began to march determinedly around the perimeter of the court to get Noah while the coaches and players continued to discuss strategy during the timeout. However, when my feet began to make the final turn to approach Noah’s bench, Jason’s gaze stopped me in my tracks. He lifted a palm and mouthed, “Stop!”
Before reacting in any way, two thoughts went through my mind almost instantaneously. One, I was just sure that Jason hadn’t seen Noah throw his armband, so I was also certain he had no idea why I was approaching the bench. Two, Jason’s mortified expression told me that my approach was embarrassing him.
Instead of pulling Noah out, I chose to obey my husband’s plea to “stop”. I turned on my heels, gritted my teeth, and went back to my seat still determined to address Noah’s behavior at the end of the game.
A few minutes later, the ending buzzer sounded. As players and family started to mingle in the center of the court, Jason approached me and said with a tone of finality, “Do me a favor. Don’t ever do that again.”
I was nonplussed and angry. When I tried to explain that Noah had thrown an armband and been unkind to his teammate, Jason wanted to hear none of it. My reasons for trying to pull Noah out didn’t matter.
“Just don’t do it again,” he repeated firmly.
I intuitively knew the subtext of what he was communicating without ever hearing the words. I understood that Jason felt emasculated when I publically encroached on his territory as he parented and volunteered. Although the thought never crossed my mind, Jason felt I was saying to him and to the world watching that I didn’t trust him to do a good job- that I didn’t believe in him.
A war began to rage inside me. As I attempted to bite my tongue, my mind whirled with thoughts that went something like:
“I’m Noah’s mother! I have every right to make parenting decisions!”
“How pathetic that he is so insecure! Why does he feel the need to impress spectators… strangers really?” (I’m just being honest here.)
But mostly, my will reared up and quietly raged:
“HE CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!”
A still small Voice tried to pour water on the flames threatening to burn a hole through my body and incinerate my self-control.
“Love is patient… love is kind…”
After honoring Jason’s initial wish for me to sit back down, I felt I had compromised and been considerate of Jason’s feelings. So, when he dismissed my explanation after the game, I had no patience left. I also didn’t feel particularly kind.
As I quietly fumed about not feeling truly heard, the Spirit whispered Ephesians 5:22:
“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.”
I inwardly balked at the instruction. By the time Jason and I made it to the car, I chose to squash God’s wisdom in favor of the whip that was my tongue. I laid into my husband with the full force of my selfish will while ignoring God’s. I said something about his pride being ridiculous (ignoring the pang of guilt when I felt the hypocrisy of my words). The conversation quickly degenerated to a shouting match as we fought harder than we had in years. The worst part was that I disrespected my husband in front of my children.
In short, I failed the test God had given me. Sigh.
Today I want to talk about the very volatile subject of submission. It’s such a difficult topic that I have tried multiple times to begin this entry but have been too spooked and overwhelmed to continue after typing only a few sentences. The main reason tackling the subject has been so hard is because I know I haven’t even come close to mastering the command in Ephesians 5:22. My doubts surface and say, “How could I possibly teach on submission without being hypocritical?”
After praying for guidance, the Lord showed me where to begin: with the above story that demonstrates my failure. Ha! Of course! Jesus requires my naked transparency and commands me to “first take the log out of my own eye [which I am currently working on], and then I will see clearly to take the speck out of my brother’s eye.” (Matthew 7:5)
I could spend time writing about what Jason did wrong in Noah’s game day scenario, but I won’t. I am only responsible for my own actions/reactions. Jesus asks me to work on ME and my plank, which brings me to my first piece of advice to wives. In order for you to learn Biblical submission:
Work on you and you alone.
Don’t be tempted to waste time asking God to change your man. Don’t spend your days making “helpful” suggestions on ways he could improve. Your need to fix your hubby will only push him away because he’ll probably just hear your suggestions as critical nagging. Solomon, who knew more about women than most said, “It is better to live in a corner of a roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman.” (Proverbs 21:9) Again the wise king warns, “A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike…” (Proverbs 27:15) Yipes! I certainly don’t want my lover to view my words as a constant dripping faucet!
Instead of trying to play the role of the Holy Spirit in our husbands’ lives, we need to learn self-control and trust the Lord to deal with our mates in His time and in His way. Our job is to try our hardest to let the Spirit change us and lead us to righteous behavior while encouraging our men and championing their strengths! Oh how many marriages could be saved if we ladies could just follow this simple advice?! To put it most succinctly, a selfish woman dwells on the faults and failures of her partner and whines to Jesus for Him to change her husband. A godly woman bravely asks, “Jesus, change me!”
It is in the spirit of that righteous “change me” prayer that I plunge into the controversial topic of submission with full steam and great faith. The word submission can make even the godliest of women bristle, and with good reason. Since the fall of man, men have used their strength and power to subdue and lord over us. For millennia and with few exceptions, women were seen as second class citizens, given no real right to participate in government or leadership, and granted no voice to speak out against cultural practices that continued to propagate our weaker status. Women were used as pawns or property in political jockeying for power and control. We couldn’t own property. We couldn’t vote. We couldn’t drive. Even today women around the world are mutilated, beaten, forced to hide behind veils, and enslaved. Just last week, Nigerian Islamists stormed a schoolhouse where girls were taking exams because the militants thought it wrong to educate women. Jewish men still pray the Talmudic prayer, “Blessed art Thou, O Lord our God, King of the universe, Who has not made me a woman.”
Jesus never intended women to have this “less than” status. In fact, He was always elevating the role of women during His earthly ministry. There are so many examples I can’t list them all, but here are a few:
- In a culture where it was forbidden to teach women Scripture, Jesus did so boldly.
- It was forbidden for a man to speak to women in public. Jesus did so many times and expected women to demonstrate the same faith as men. Jesus even spoke with the Samaritan woman and revealed to her that He was the Messiah.
- Jesus gave the woman caught in adultery grace and treated her with dignity unlike her accusers who simply saw her as disposable property.
- Christ commanded Mary Magdalene to go and tell others that He had risen. Mary was the first to take part in the Great Commission.
The rest of the New Testament is in agreement with the Gospels on the role of women. With one sweep of his pen, Paul gave women equal status with men when the apostle wrote, “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” (Galatians 3:28)
Even though God has demonstrated that He loves women and assigns the greatest of value to us, we have an enemy that seeks to kill, steal, and destroy. Because Satan hates God, he also hates women who are created in God’s image. (Genesis 1:27) Therefore, the war against women rages on. Therefore, when I begin to speak to wives on submission to their husbands, many women fear that I am asking them to take a step backward and voluntarily agree to shackled wrists and feet. I can assure you, Dear Reader, that this is not what I am asking!
(*I wish I didn’t even have to write this, but I feel compelled to pause here to address the devastating and always critical circumstance of spousal abuse lest someone misunderstand what I am trying to say. Please do not misconstrue my meaning here. I would never in a million years think it is okay for any man to abuse a woman. In fact, if a husband mistreats his wife, he has made the gravest of error and completely disregarded the Ephesians 5 mandate for husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the Church. A battered woman should escape a dangerous situation, and God is faithful to provide that way of escape (1 Corinthians 10:13)).
To continue, what I am requiring is that we Christian women trust God and His wisdom over our own. For Yahweh declares, “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways.” (Isaiah 55:8) God has demonstrated that we can trust Him time after time. Take a step of faith with me and trust Him at His Word.
So what does God say about submission? Let’s read Ephesians 5:22 in context to get a better idea of what the Lord is asking of us wives.
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. (Ephesians 5:22-32)
OK. Taking a deep breath and starting with the most difficult command:
“Wives submit to your husbands, as to the Lord.” Ladies, I’m sorry to say there is no wiggle room here. God made it clear He was serious when He led Paul to write that last part: as to the Lord. We are to submit to our husbands as we submit to Jesus. Ouch!
When I first was confronted with “as to the Lord”, my stomach fell to the floor and fear rose up to choke me like a noose. I cried out, “How can you ask this of me, Jesus? I can easily submit to You because I trust You completely. You are GOD! But submit to Jason like I submit to You? You’ve got to be kidding! Asking me to trust Jason with my LIFE when He has hurt me, failed me, and proved that he is all too human many times is terrifying! This is too much!!!”
After my initial freak out, though, I began to reflect on the results of disobeying the command to submit to my husband on an individual level. For years I wished for a husband that was more involved. I was frustrated with Jason’s lack of leadership in my home. Instead of stepping up to lead, Jason took the road of passivity. I was unbearably alone in training up our kids in God’s ways. I walked around with a huge invisible weight on my back and resented the fact that Jason never seemed to want to help carry the load. However, I had to admit to God and to myself that on the rare occasion when Jason did try to jump in and assist, I would criticize his efforts. “Fold the clothes this way,” I’d say. “Don’t park there… park over THERE!” Jason withdrew more and more preferring a comfy chair and the remote over a conversation with me. And no wonder! Watching a game or hanging out with the guys spoke more to his heart and provided more validation than he usually got from his own wife.
Then I wondered what the results of lack of submission in marriages were on a national level. Just a cursory glance told me that it was not good. The divorce rate in America had risen 80% since 1970. It is not a coincidence that radical feminists’ ideals took root in the hearts and minds of our daughters during this same period of time. In 1960, only 11% of children lived apart from their fathers. In 2010, that number had risen to almost 30%. I discovered that I was not alone in my frustration with Jason’s lack of interest in spiritual matters. A typical congregation was 61% female and 38% male meaning that on any given Sunday there were 13 million more women in church than men.
While feminists fought and won many battles for women’s rights, I observed that their once noble quest for equality had morphed into a movement that trampled boys. A few statistics that show this disturbing trend:
- Women now surpass men in college degrees by almost three to two.
- Boys are 30% more likely to drop out of school than girls, and girls consistently outperform boys at all levels of academia.
- Boys are more likely to commit suicide and/or struggle with depression than girls.
While society has spent the last few decades empowering its girls, we have largely ignored the heart cry of boys who grow up to be disillusioned unmotivated men. There is an epidemic of prolonged adolescence in America. A Failure to Launch is not just a movie title, it is a way of life for millions for 20 to 30 something men who still live at home. Studies show, for example, that men ages 18-27 spend more time playing video games than 12-17 year-old boys! While the guys flounder, teenage girls and young women encourage each other with chants of, “You go girl!” and sing songs with a united theme that says “I am woman, hear me roar!” What’s worse, if ladies were honest, many would have to admit that they silently believe that men are bumbling characters not as capable of “doing it all” as the feminine sex (just watch your average American sitcom to see men scoffed at and marginalized).
But can women do it all? The stats above and current trends say that even if we try to hold down the fort alone, there is a tremendous cost for our stubborn need for independence. While it is increasingly acceptable for a woman to begin and raise families alone because of the “who needs a man anyway?” mindset, a woman’s need to have a husband and a child’s need to have a father cannot be erased even by the most militant of feminists. United Families International writes, “As men who would fulfill [husband and father] roles no longer take their place, women increasingly turn to government for support. They [radical feminists] are the greatest supporters of government subsidies and are angered when the taxpayer isn’t eager to give enough support to daycare, government health care, even school lunches. In short, they choose to have the government become their husband. What radical feminists seem not to realize is that by exploding the family, they are destroying the very institution that has protected and provided for women over most of human history.”
The irony of the postmodern “enlightened” feminist is that she is not modern at all. She is simply living out the curse God pronounced on humanity after the fall. For the Lord said to Eve after she had disobeyed God by eating stolen fruit,
“I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception;
In pain you shall bring forth children;
Your desire shall be for your husband,
And he shall rule over you.”
I want to focus on the phrase “your desire shall be for your husband.” I used to think that this meant that women would have an insatiable craving for their husbands’ time and attention. After closer examination of the original Hebrew, however, I now understand that the Lord was speaking of Eve’s desire to usurp her husband’s position of leadership. When the Lord said to Eve, “And he shall rule over you,” He declared that Adam’s sinful nature would cause him to overpower her with ungodly dominion. Clearly with the fall in Genesis 3 we see the beginning of the battle of the sexes. Women will always be clawing to supplant men’s God given role of authority in the husband/wife relationship, and man will, in his fallen state, abuse his natural strength and position of power. Scripture reveals that it is therefore my sinful nature that seeks to be critical and control Jason. The “I can do it better” attitude, the “my way or the highway” need to control, the subtle jabs, and vicious comments all can trace their roots to the curse.
Beneath my desire to control and reign in my relationship with my spouse, however, is a softer beautifully feminine wish to be taken care of, fought for, desired, and loved. The untarnished paradise of the Garden calls out to that fiercely strong woman inside. This renewed Julie is brave because she is open, vulnerable, and willing to risk her heart by putting her life in God’s hands.
The world sees those who submit to authority as inferior and views those who are in positions of leadership as greater. However, in God’s economy, the world’s view of what’s important has been flipped on its head. “The first are last and the last are first.” (Matthew 20:16). We can look to none other than Jesus for an example. The Son submitted to His Father in everything, but in no way was Jesus inferior to His Daddy. Christ said, “For I have come down from heaven, not to do My own will, but the will of Him who sent Me.” (John 6:38) Jesus’s role was to submit to the Father’s will though He was in all ways equal. Jesus submitted out of His great love for us. Philippians 2:5-8, one of the most awe inspiring scriptures in the whole Bible says, “Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.”
A woman is asked to submit because her role is to follow in the husband and wife relationship. However, her value is still equal to that of a man as I’ve already demonstrated using scripture. This is a super important yet subtle concept to grasp! It takes more supernatural strength to trust and obey God in submission than it does to follow a deceived worldly heart and take control. Submission requires us to open our hands in total surrender and trust in God’s promises.
Instead of shrinking back from God’s command to submit to Jason as unto the Lord, God asks me to demonstrate great courage and strength by being the most vulnerable I have ever been. Even my female body beautifully echoes the bold, selfless, openness the Lord planned in my marriage relationship. With great trust and faith, I lower the shield around my heart and take a step out into an unknown world where Jason leads. I am the steel in my husband’s spine because he knows I believe in him. The Spirit whispers, “Be strong and courageous for the Lord will be with you wherever you go!” (Joshua 1:9)
What does God require of my husband in return for my trust in his leadership? Let’s look at [the best part] of Ephesians 5 again: J
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. (Ephesians 5:22-32)
God asks Jason to love me as Christ loved the church. When I read this requirement, I know Jason got the tougher job! Jesus’ love for the Church is perfect love. Christ’s “love is patient, His love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. God’sLove does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-9)
Every girl dreams of being loved in such a way. I already am loved like this because Christ loved me and gave Himself up for me. Because I am satisfied in God’s love, I can offer Jason grace when he fails, when he proves that he is human, and even when he isn’t obedient to love.
I began with a story of failure. I’ll end today’s entry with a tale of victory. And true to the blog’s promise, it is the story of a miracle.
One day when I was first exploring what it looked like to submit to my husband on a day to day basis, Jason and I drove down a local road with Zoe and Noah in the backseat. We were ruminating over where to dine out for dinner. He asked me, “What do you want for dinner?” Thinking this was a great opportunity to practice submission, I replied, “You pick!” (For the record, I’m not saying that a woman can never pick a restaurant. However, when a man hasn’t led much in a marriage relationship, it’s best to start out small. Let your man try his hand at leading in a small matter. He’ll gain confidence as you respond each time he leads with affirmation and encouragement. Finally, your husband will have the courage to lead in the bigger more critical areas.) As soon as Jason made a restaurant suggestion, I almost responded in a way that was borderline cliché by suggesting something else more to my liking even though I had just asked him to choose! I am ashamed to confess the strength it took to not complain about his decision and instead say, “Okay, let’s go!”
We pulled into the parking lot and walked inside the little Mom and Pop place. That’s when God began to show off. From the moment we sat down at our table in the dimly lit restaurant, I was absolutely astounded by the reward Jesus gave because of my one teensy act of obedience. The owner of the restaurant greeted us and spoke tenderly to my children as a grandfather would his grandchildren. We knew within seconds that he was a Christian. His well worn finger pointed to the dark brown walls that surrounded us directing our eyes to pictures of smiling kids. He said with pride, “These are my children!” The owner explained that he worked and ran the diner just so he could make money to visit these pictured orphans in South America and minister to them. He then went to the kitchen and brought out gifts for my children. My daughter got a beautiful bracelet made by one of the owner’s orphan girls, and my son got a hand crafted wooden toy made by a young boy. The man then ended our experience with a free desert for both Zoe and Noah. As we prepared to leave the restaurant, I stood behind my husband who was paying the bill. A small whiteboard sign sat on the floor near my left foot. It read something, “I work so I can give.” I stared at the back of Jason’s dark haired head fighting back tears and thought, “Lord Jesus, how have I limited this man that You love because of my pride? By Your grace, God, help me to never get in the way again.”
God says that our work is to believe in the One He sent, Jesus Christ (John 6:29). Women, I call on you to do the hard work of believing that Jesus, the Word of God Who became flesh, is faithful to keep His promises. Ladies, we work so we can give. By believing in God’s wisdom, we are empowered with the strength to submit and trust in our husband’s leadership. In our obedience, we give to our husbands the most precious gift we could ever give them: the strength and encouragement to do the work God has prepared for them to do since the foundation of the world (Ephesians 2:10). Our men will in turn give us the love we have always longed for and craved. It is in this give and take that we become one.
“For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This is a great mystery.” (Ephesians 5:31)