Progression

Posted in God, Holy Spirit, Jesus, miracles, poetry, prayer, Religion by

I haven’t written in a while because it seems I am suffering from a bit of writer’s block. Even though I know what I am supposed to write about- everytime I start to type the next entry, I have a hard time getting past the first few sentences. I don’t want to explain why right now. Later.

I promise though- I haven’t forgotten this project or the finish line. Lord give me strength.

Until I manage to write another entry, I’ll attempt to keep my readers with a bit of poetry. There are five poems below. They tell the story of my life in loose chronological order. Please be forgiving and know they are all works in progress- especially the last and most recent.

Praise and honor to His Name.

RESTORATION
Smoking wicks
Want to burn
But need a little air
A crushed reed
Can grow strong
And see its own repair

Hope can come
In small boxes
And yummy ice cream cones
In sunny days
Pink wool sweaters
Talks on the telephone

Smoking wicks
Turn into flame
When love breathes around
Tender shoots
Mature in blankets
Made of pillowy down

We hold treasures
In jars of clay
They’re broken, maimed and marred
But that’s okay
We have a Father
That can heal our scars

Red hot fires
Are built slowly
Starting deep in the soul
Beautiful trees
Mature to give
Fruit that makes others whole

UNLIKELY QUEEN
A graceful fawn
Dances and leaps
In fields of green
A new day dawns

Batting lashes
Beckon a lover
She blindly leaps
Wild, unabashed

Decisive break
A doe is lost
Smashed and brittle
Without her mate

A tail goes white
Exposed, alone
Searing sun wilts
Green hearts to die

Tall and robust
10 points and strong
Knows there’s promise
Sitting in dust

Velvet brown eyes
Pour golden truth
Seeps in white spots
Her soul replies

Royalty sees
Beauty covered
Calls out in love
Crowns a fawn queen

SOWING DREAMS
I choose to drive far from the city
And into bucolic looming fields
I choose to turn away from the smoke
And cast down dusty crimson walls
I choose to find a way to yield
Even when my chest burns
I choose to climb from crushed white metal
To throw a sorrowful seed
I choose to watch the long kept kernel die
Because standing there in green rolling hills
I choose to believe in whispers
And dream new dreams of glass slippers
When I cannot perceive
I will see
I will hope
I will love
I choose.

THE STAND
Not a fist
Or a wall
But a golden bloom

Family sings
Nations call
Self pales like the moon

Sharpened swords
Truth beckons
Shimmering vast deep

Craven crushed
Gallant souls
Bow low and reap

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War II

Hotel Fall Break 2013

Hotel Fall Break 2013

I have already written about warfare in a previous entry. I would suggest visiting that post before reading this one if you haven’t already done so.

As stated in my earlier in my blog, I experienced spiritual attacks almost nightly in dreams when I was first learning about spiritual warfare. In this season of my life, God was training me to battle in the spirit.  Ephesians 6:10-17 quickly became “signpost” verses:

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.  Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.  Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.  In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.  Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Notice that we are to “stand our ground”, a mostly defensive action.  Believers have the high ground because of Jesus’s victory on the cross.  Christians are protected by the strong and mighty tower of God.  The Lord is our fortress!  Ephesians 6 is a blueprint (worthy of an entire book) for how to defend ourselves from attacks when they come.  Admittedly these assaults arrive in various forms, not just in dreams.  Trust me, though, if you are living a life worthy of the high calling, they will come.

During the years of nightly assaults, I fervently prayed for pleasant dreams and peaceful sleep. These prayers went unanswered.  Instead, the nocturnal fights continued, many times to the point of mental and physical exhaustion.  I had an academic knowledge in my head that the Lord was stronger than the enemy, but this knowledge hadn’t truly clicked in my heart because it still fluttered with fear when I thought about the hideous creatures, plot lines, and screaming lies that tormented me while I slept.  For several months, I had a hard time going to sleep because I knew what would inevitably happen when I closed my eyes.  Hotel stays were the worst!  I made it a practice to tune alarm clock radios to Christian music whenever checking into a new room because I knew I would be visited by demonic spirits at night if I had not cleansed the environment.  Demons of lust were particularly present in hotel rooms.  Because guests have easy access to erotic movies without the threat of getting caught, it is not hard to guess why. 

I feel I should pause here to say that I never had these kinds of ultra-sensory dreams before giving my life to Christ.  It wasn’t until I became a Christian and really started praying and fighting sin patterns that I ruffled Satan’s feathers enough to pay any attention to little ol’ me. 

In 2007 when my family moved to a new apartment, my dreams were suddenly flooded with demons of anger.  These creatures had features that were contorted in ways reminiscent of Edward Munch’s The Scream yet infinitely more ugly and colorless.  Rage would seep into me like black fire when surrounded by indescribable demonic hatred.  I’d wake up angry and then have a hard time maintaining composure when met with the slightest offense throughout the day.  Although my husband thought me crazy at the time, the attacks got so bad that I finally prayed through my apartment anointing walls and doorways with oil.  Soon after this exercise, I learned through conversations with neighbors that our apartment’s previous occupants were frequently heard screaming at each other through shared walls, and more than once cops were called due to domestic violence issues.  It was only when I prayed specifically against these spirits did they cease to bother me at night. (Some evil can only be rooted out by prayer and fasting. Mark 9:29)

Through time and experience, I found I was specifically susceptible to attacks under certain conditions:

  1. If I had unforgiveness in my heart.  That unforgiveness gave the enemy an open door that would have otherwise been closed.  (2 Corinthians 2:10-11 “To whom ye forgive anything, I forgive also: for if I forgave anything, to whom I forgave it, for your sakes forgave I it in the person of Christ; Lest Satan should get an advantage of us: for we are not ignorant of his devices.”)
  2. If I was engaged in unrepentant sin.  God did not and will not let me get by with continual disobedience.  He will send chastisement in many forms.  One of the ways He disciplines me is to remove His protective hand to allow spiritual attacks.  When faced with such raw evil, the only logical place to turn back in repentance is the safe loving care of Abba.
  3. If I took medicine.  I know this might be    controversial, but I stand by what I am saying here.  If and when I take medicine, over-the-counter or prescription, I proceed with special caution.  Drugs weaken cognitive defenses and open hidden doors in the mind. 

I am grateful that Father, in His infinite wisdom, did not answer those fear laced prayers to take the attacks away, but instead chose to allow these experiences to continue until I was taught by them and strengthened. Only by practicing do we get better, and as I fought night after night I became a warrior.  I learned how to discern quicker, get victory faster, and finally rest in God.  The most important lesson I learned was this: Jesus is more powerful than Satan.  In fact, Satan and his minions are reduced to quaking inept masses in God’s presence.  Just saying, “Jesus” sends the demons packing.  Let me say that again so that it might sink in for real even if you have heard this truth a thousand times but still struggle with fear: just speaking the Name of Jesus binds evil.  God demonstrates His sovereignty and complete rule on earth and in the cosmos when we, His earthly soldiers made of clay, say, “JESUS!” Hallelujah! 

As the months and then years continued, the attacks became less frequent.  When my husband became a believer and I had his prayer covering, they stopped almost altogether.  If and when I experience a demonic attack these days, God is usually trying to teach me something, or it is because of one of the three reasons listed above.

One evening last fall, I was praying fervently for my neighbor’s salvation before going to sleep.  That night, the Lord gave me a dream.

I stood on a road gazing at a field in the distance.  It was winter.  I saw thousands of black birds on the ground. In my spirit, I knew the birds were unclean spirits.  I was shocked by their number- there were so many!  As soon as this thought came to my mind, the scene changed.

I was on my bed looking up towards the ceiling.  My room was bathed in light (even though it was dark outside).  The birds from the field were flying as a united flock above me swooping through in a continuous rolling sea of black.  Even in the presence of such evil, I was completely and utterly calm.  Peaceful even.  I sang quietly as the unclean spirits flew, “I love You, Jesus. I love You, Jesus.” 

I woke up still trying to physically and mentally sing the same sweet song, “I love You Jesus.”

I understood most of the interpretation of the dream as soon as my eyes opened and then more as I thought about it in the coming days. The field I saw is where the seed of the Word of God was sown in Amy’s heart just as in the parable of the sewer in Matthew 13. 

Matthew 13:3 “A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up.”

Jesus, explaining what this portion of the parable meant to His disciples says in Matthew 13:19, “When anyone hears the message about the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what was sown in their heart. This is the seed sown along the path.”

The soil of Amy’s heart was hard packed just like the soil along a path so that the seeds of God’s Word cannot penetrate. In the dream, I recognized the birds for what they were: Satan and his demons.  Any seeds of God’s Word sown on the ground of Amy’s heart were furiously eaten before they could take root. As soon as I understood their purpose, they turned to fight me.  However, because perfect love casts away all fear (1 John 4:18), they found no purchase in or around me to cause fear.  I was free of them.

God gave this dream to instruct me on how to proceed in praying for Amy.  I knew I had pray AND fast.  There were many demons behind the scenes working to keep her in the dark.  Amy has much influence.  Her conversion would affect many others- so it is no surprise that Satan would send so many to steal the seeds sown.  The dream also served as a warning and a promise: Trials would come when I prayed against these dark forces, but I would continue to rest with joy and peace.

If this wasn’t thrilling enough, Jesus gave me a real life physical confirmation of the dream.  Sometimes He does this to emphasize a dream or vision’s importance.  I learned this pattern from reading Scripture.  In the Bible, when something happens twice, the reader should take notice! 

The very next day after seeing the black birds while I slept, my family and I left for a mini vacation on Fall Break.  We chose to stay in a state park to enjoy the spectacular foliage.  Our hotel had this amazing indoor/outdoor pool situated among the trees.  Only a piece of glass separated guests from the outside, and swimmers could easily duck underwater and under the glass divider to emerge outside.  The water was heated to the temperature of bath water, so even though the thermometer accurately reflected late October temperatures in Indiana, visitors could still swim outdoors comfortably. 

Because we already knew about the super cool pool, as soon as we checked into the hotel, we quickly changed into our bathing suites.  We were beyond stoked to swim among the fiery leaves.  As we chatted and swam with steam rolling off the surface of the water, the sun began to set lighting up the sky and the trees with bright pink and orange hues.  It was breathtakingly beautiful.  Suddenly though, a great number of vultures began to fly overhead.  Not one, two, or fifteen.  Dozens of black vultures spiraled over our heads starting from not far above us and then going up, up, up to an impossible height.  I honestly had never seen so many birds of prey in my life.  The breeze shifted and I could smell the scent of death.  The birds had obviously been attracted to something dead in the forest.

As the vultures swirled above, the hair on the back of my neck stood on end.  Yes… I took notice.

Last December, I fasted and prayed against the unclean spirits attempting to eat the seeds sown in Amy’s heart in accordance with the instructions of the dream.  I will write more about subsequent experiences since December 2013 soon.

As for the coming trials predicted in the dream…

My husband changed jobs to work in ministry in January.  It was a huge step of faith because of a great reduction in pay.  After accepting the position, our furnace went out.  In the past two weeks, both family cars have broken down.  Our water heater went out last week too.  My dad had a heart attack and nearly died a week and a half ago.  There is much controversy at my church that I cannot begin to describe here.  I’m only hitting the highlights, and I don’t get the feeling that the trials will end any time soon. 

But I don’t care. 

If this is what it takes to win just one heart for God, I will endure it with gladness.  Opposition means I am on the right track.  Satan cannot steal my joy.  I am hidden in Christ, and I dance in minefields. 

As I drove home from work today to finish this blog post, I was suddenly overcome by the fact that Jesus wants me.  He sees me, a child with many flaws and an imperfect past, and still wants me more than my own parents.  He wanted me so much that He chose to die in my place. 

He wants Amy too.  He desires a relationship with her.  May my heart beat to the song of that aching desire until she is His.

Luke 15:20 “So he got up and went to his father. “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

Did God REALLY say that?

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I am taking a break from my usual story format to talk about what’s been heavy on my heart the past few days: the state of the Church in America.

A few years ago, I volunteered at my home church to lead a group Bible study in my local community.  Because of my inexperience, church leadership chose to team me up with another couple.  I phoned the couple at home and spoke to the husband (I’ll call him Thomas).  We agreed to have lunch together one afternoon at a local deli to meet for the first time and talk about the possibilities.

The day of our meeting, I ate my club sandwich, said few words, and mostly listened.  As I payed close attention to Thomas’s words, I became increasingly alarmed by what I heard coming from his mouth.  Thomas quoted the writings of Rob Bell, a well-known leader in emergent church movement.  Bell’s writings question the existence of hell and even suggest universal salvation (aka all men will be saved).  Stunned by what Thomas was saying, I very clearly stated that I disagreed with both him and Bell because it went against the teachings of the Bible, and then made a hasty retreat to my car.  After praying about it, I phoned church leadership to say I wouldn’t be working with Thomas and his wife because I believed that they would be teaching false doctorine.  I can only hope that my phone call served as the warning I hoped it would be.

The fact that the existence of hell could be questioned by Bell, Thomas, or anyone else claiming to be a Believer is, quite frankly, beyond me.  Here are some New Testament references that make hell’s existence painfully clear:

  • Hell is a fate worse than being drowned in the sea (Mark 9:42).
  • It is worse than any earthly suffering—even being maimed (Matthew 5:29–30; Mark 9:43).
  • The suffering never ends (Matthew 25:41; Mark 9:48).
  • The wicked will be “burned with unquenchable fire” (Matthew 3:12).
  • Those in hell will be thrown into the fiery furnace and will experience unimaginable sorrow, regret, remorse, and pain. The fire produces the pain described as “weeping and gnashing of teeth” (Matthew 8:12; 13:42, 50; 22:13; 24:51; 25:30).
  • The intensity of the suffering seems to be according to the wickedness of the person’s behavior (Romans 2:5–8).
  • Hell is utterly fearful and dreadful (Hebrews 10:27–31).
  • This punishment is depicted as “coming misery,” “eating flesh with fire,” and the “day of slaughter” (James 5:1–5).
  • Those in hell will feel the full force of God’s fury and wrath (Revelations 14:10).
  • They will be “tormented” with fire (Revelation 14:10–11).
  • This suffering is best understood as endless since the “smoke of their torment rises forever and ever” (Revelation 14:11).
  • This suffering is constant because it is said that those in hell “will have no rest day or night” (Revelation 14:11) and
  • “will be tormented day and night forever and ever” (Revelation 20:10).

References from http://theresurgence.com/2011/03/14/to-hell-with-hell (Yes, I read every word of this source and believe it to be Scripturally sound! 😉 )

Universal salvation is also simply not Biblical.  Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life.  No man comes to the Father but by me.” (John 14:6)  While the invitation for salvation is universal  (John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life.”), only those that believe Jesus and His message of repentance and forgiveness of sins will be allowed to “come to the Father”.   For those that doubt this fact, I ask: “If there was another way to heaven, then why would Father God send His Son Jesus to die?” 

Thomas, like many others today, believed lies he had heard in the marketplace of ideas and then quickly began perpetuating those deceptions.  Instead of getting his truth from the Bible and Bible alone, he believed what somebody else said the Bible teaches.  Even more damning, Thomas lazily never took the time to compare the teachings of Rob Bell to Scripture itself.  Unfortunately there are millions out there just like Thomas being deceived.  Instead of researching Scripture for themselves, folks take the easy yet very dangerous road of passivity.  These ill-informed fools let wolves, disguised in sheep’s clothing, feed them lies to their ultimate destruction.  (Yes, I said fools.  Research the Biblical definition of a fool! Read Proverbs!) 

Rob Bell’s teachings on universal salvation and no eternal punishment are a whole lot more appealing to a person steeped in today’s “PC” culture where pluralism, multiculturalism, and diversity are held in higher esteem than truth.  The Bible predicts times like these.  Paul’s warning to Timothy is absolutely true of the American church: “For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.”  The “Christianity” described in pulpits across our country is a watered down more palpable religion- but it is not the Christianity of the Bible.  I admit that there are many times I don’t want to hear the truth because the truth means I have to change!  However, I have learned through time and experience that choosing to be wise and heed the truth will lead to joy, peace and LIFE! 

An argument I’ve heard from those struggling to believe (or not wanting to believe) the Bible is this: “The Scriptures we read today cannot be trusted.  Like a game of telephone can change a message, time and translations have changed the contents of the Bible.”  When I hear someone say this, I roll my eyes.  Instantly I know that the person spouting this silliness has done absolutely no research.  It is simply NOT true that the Scriptures have changed over time.  The Bible, unlike any other document, can be counted on!  Nabeel Qureshi, a former Muslim now convert to Christianity says it succinctly:

“First, while there are indeed many variations of the Bible obtained from more than 5,000 Greek manuscripts, there is such a large amount of early manuscript evidence and such a concordance between those manuscripts that we can reconstruct the Bible and be certain of about 95% of the original content. Second, no doctrine of the Bible is in jeopardy by any of the variations. Third, there are so many quotations of and references to the New Testament from the ancient world that we can reconstruct practically all of it from early quotations alone. Fourth, there are multiple fragments of manuscripts that can be dated to within a couple of centuries after Christ’s death which we have in our possession even now (the earliest dating to less than 100 years after Christ, 125 AD). Fifth, whole copies of the Bible are available from around three centuries after Christ’s death. Finally, the previously mentioned estimate of 95% accuracy was a conservative one; in actuality it is closer to 98 or 99%.”

http://www.answering-islam.org/Authors/Qureshi/testimony.htm

(Side note: Do a YouTube search for Nabeel Qureshi to hear his testimony.  It’s AWESOME!)

While I can roll my eyes at the foolishness of the less-than-studious, the heartbreaking fact is that when baby Christians or struggling Believers hear the enemy’s lie that Scripture might be unreliable, it can shake the very foundations of their faith.  Instead of approaching the Bible as the source of truth, they question its contents and worse lose faith altogether!

Getting God’s children to question His Word is not a new trick of the enemy.  In fact, it is the oldest trick in the book.  Way back in the Garden before the fall, the slimy serpent slithered up to Eve and began to weave a web of deception.  Satan said to her, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?” (Genesis 3:1).  God had given clear concise instructions about what Eve and her husband, Adam, could and could not eat. In Genesis 2:16-17 God commanded the man, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.”  However, we see in Genesis 3 that during Satan’s fateful encounter with Eve, he got her to scrutinize something she should have just believed.  With a simple question, “Did God really say…?”, Eve began to doubt her Father.  Seeing Eve’s weakness, the lying serpent went for the jugular and blatantly refuted the truth of God’s Word.  Satan said to Eve, “You will not certainly die… for God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”  Eve believed Satan over God.  She ate, Adam ate, and the rest is painful history.  As time did then and will always do, it proved the Lord’s Word true.  Eve did die, and both she and her husband experienced excruciating separation from their Creator. 

The devil is doing the exact same thing today as he did in the Garden when he tries to get us to doubt God’s Word. 

“Did God really say that hell is real?” (Yes, He did, brothers and sisters!!)

“Did God really say there is only one way to heaven?” (Yes!)

“Is Scripture (God’s Word) really true or has time changed its contents?” (Yes! It’s true!)

“Is it really a sin to sleep with someone when you’re engaged?  Surely it’s not that big a deal!” (Yes, it is a sin.  Matthew 5:28, Revelation 21:8)

“Is homosexuality really a sin?  After all, love is LOVE!” (Yes.  Homosexulaity a sin.  Romans 1:26-27, 1 Corinthians 6:9)

Here me when I say this: YOU CANNOT PICK AND CHOOSE WHICH PORTIONS OF SCRIPTURE TO BELIEVE.  It is all true and you can put your faith in every jot and tittle!  And that’s the bottom line- it all comes down to faith.  Do you believe that God can preserve His Word through time?  (I do!  He is Able!)  Do you believe Jesus when He says that hell is real? (I do- and this knowledge lights a fire under my feet to tell the world about the Good News of the Gospel!)  Do you believe Christ when He says He is the only way to heaven? (I do!  The road is narrow just like Christ said! Matthew 7:14)  Do you believe God when He looks at sin and unflinchingly calls it what it is: sin?  (Yes.  And when I fail and stumble, I must seek His forgiveness.  He promises to be faithful and just to forgive me when I confess my sin! 1 John 1:9)

Listen, you may not like everything God says when you start exploring the passages of Scripture.  It may feel uncomfortable to hear Jesus’ Words when He speaks about relevant issues.  But God’s not going to change His mind about things, and He is just as radical today as He was when He walked the earth.  Following Him can be hard! 

When Jesus began His public ministry, He quickly developed quite a following.  He was a cool dude!  He healed the sick, fed the multitudes, took on the Pharisees with authority, and was kind to children and sinners.  Who wouldn’t want to be around a guy like that?  Crowds followed Jesus around just to see what He would do next- that was until these same followers heard Jesus teach about His body and blood by the Sea of Galilee one day.  After hearing His strange words, they said to themselves, “This is a hard saying; who can hear it?”  In frustration, these followers turned back and stopped following the Master.  Jesus then turned and asked the twelve disciples, “You do not want to leave too, do you?”  Simon Peter, in bold faith answered Jesus, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.”  (John 6:60-69)

I ask you now as Jesus asked the twelve, “You do not want to leave too, do you?” Do you believe that Jesus is the Holy One of God?  Can you accept His teaching?  ALL of His teaching? Do you believe His Words lead to eternal life even if they are hard?  Christ asks His disciplies to count the cost because Jesus knew it wouldn’t be easy for us! (Luke 14:28)

I’m afraid for the Church in America.  We are entirely too tolerant.  We don’t stand for truth!  We lazily go to man to teach us and not to God and His Word.  I’m afraid that when folks are confronted with the truth of Scripture, they too will turn back and stop following Jesus.  They’ll say just like the crowds at the Sea of Galilee said to Christ, “It’s too hard!  Who can hear this?” 

Yesterday, as my husband drove my kids and I home from school, I stared out my passenger window with a heavy heart as I pondered the moral decline of America.  Things that once caused us to blush are now championed.  Monogamy is scoffed at and labeled archaic, and promiscuity is lauded as the “natural state” in university lecture halls.  Christians who believe that the Bible- the whole Bible- is true are called bigots, closed-minded, and (gasp) old fashioned (‘cuz God forbid we not be trendy hipsters! Can you sense me rolling my eyes… again?).  As the car followed the curves of the well traveled roads home yesterday, I grieved over America’s choices.  I lamented for my children’s future.  “What kinds of persecution will they face?” I thought.  “How much hate will they have to endure in the name of “tolerance”?”  I sighed over the inevitable coming suffering in the United States because of our disobedience.   

As I continued to turn these thoughts over in my mind, what saddened me even more than the state of the country was the state of the American church!  Almost daily now I hear and read words of professing Christians like Thomas denying parts of God’s Word because today’s culture teaches and accepts different messages (“Did God really say…?” I hear Satan laugh in victory as the deceived masses reject eternal truths).  Though my children attend a Christian school, even they are sometimes considered “weird” because of their holy choices.  Several acquaintances of mine go to church on Sunday and claim to know Jesus as Savior but then live exactly like the unbelieving world the rest of the week.  This is incongruent.  The life of a Jesus follower should be different and a testimony to the rest of the world (Matthew 5:16)!  Frequently when “on the fence” Christians are rebuked for their ungodly choices, they retort, “But who are you to judge?  Jesus even said to not judge!”  Again, this shows their lack of knowledge of the scriptures.  Let’s look at the entire teaching they are quoting out of context:

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged.  For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?  How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” (Matthew 7:1-5)

Clearly, Jesus is speaking specifically to hypocrites.  He instructs the hypocrite to take the plank out of his eye so he can then help remove the speck from his brother’s eye.  Notice that even the hypocrite, after he is healed of his problem, is given the okay to assist his brother!  Who better to help a man struggling with addiction than a fully recovered alcoholic?  Who better to teach the religious about grace than Paul, formally a Pharisee called Saul? 

To say we aren’t to judge behavior at all again ignores much of the New Testament!  To name only a few verses:

  • We are commanded “be not deceived” (this requires judgment Matt 24:4, Luke 21:8, 2 Thess.2:3; Eph.5:6; Colossians 2:8).
  • Test spirits (to test requires a pass/fail judgment) (John 4:1)
  • Apostle Paul accused the believers at Galatia of being “foolish” and “bewitched” (Gal.2:1) because they did not judge well.
  • Jesus congratulated the church at Ephesus for rooting out false apostles (Rev.2:1-3).
  • The Apostle Paul says that he “did not cease to warn everyone night and day with tears” about the false teachers who troubled the church at Ephesus both from within and without. (Acts 20:28-31)
  • Jesus Himself said, “Judge not according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment.” (John 7:24)
  • The entire book of Titus!

I believe that the American church, with few exceptions, is exactly like the Church of Laodicea.  Jesus says to us in an impassioned rebuke and plea (Revelation 3:14-22):

“These are the words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the ruler of God’s creation.  I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other!  So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.  You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’ But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked.  I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see.

Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent.  Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.

 To the one who is victorious, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I was victorious and sat down with my Father on his throne.  Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches.”

Do you have ears to hear, my Dear Reader?  Will you not be earnest and zealous for Jesus?  Will you repent with me for our lack luster faith?  Will you lock arms with me in opposition to the current of moral relativism so we can march upstream together on the side of the absolute truths in Scripture?  Will you cry out with me in righteous anger against the tide of lies that is washing over this country like an evil black cesspool?  Will you call the prodigals to come back home at all personal costs?  Will you not run the race with purpose and steadfast conviction so that Christ will see our work and be pleased?

“For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” (Hebrews 4:12)

Yes, God really said it.  And I believe it.  Do you?

     

War

Posted in God, Holy Spirit, Jesus by

by Gustave Dore

Years ago, the Lord spoke to me saying, “You are a Joshua.”  This word was confirmed when a Godly mentor heard the Lord call me Joshua a few years later. 

Joshua was the commander of Israel’s army who led the people into the Promised Land.  His mission was to take enemy territory for God.  I believe God has commissioned me specifically for that purpose too.  I am to invade the adversary’s terrain and fight for Jesus to take back the “land” of people’s hearts for God.    

The Lord gave me an evangelist heart that cries out for the lost to be saved.  Because I am a fighting Joshua, I joke that Jesus gives me “the hard cases”.  When I was teaching, God put me in an alternative school called New Beginnings (even the name of the school points to my position in Christ).  My students were those that had been expelled from high school for discipline problems or habitual truancy. I learned how to love “the hard cases” at this school.  Behind the defiance, the foul language, and the swagger were broken souls, orphaned abandoned spirits, and crushed hopes.  I knew when I looked into their beautiful eyes that I too would have behaved just as they did if I hadn’t been rescued by adoption.  My students’ hunger for the things of God was incredible.  There were many days when my kids would beg me to talk about the Bible instead of teach history curriculum, and I spent several lunch hours with students crowded around my desk asking me about my faith.  I didn’t just try to minister to students while at New Beginnings.  I also tried to reach out to a teacher.  My classroom was positioned directly next to Jay Contreras’s, the school’s upperclassman math instructor.  Even though Jay grew up in a very Godly household and many of his relatives were actively involved in ministry (including his own children), Jay was an atheist.  Because I was in my early twenties, I loved spending time with a much older and often wiser “Mr. C.” and chatting with him about spiritual things.  I challenged him gently and asked him hard questions as we munched on our lunch sandwiches and talked about lesson plans.  After I left New Beginnings, I became active in youth prison ministry because my heart broke when a few of my students went to jail.  Although some might guess that juvenile inmates would be tough to reach, I found that they were so desperate for love and grace that when they found it in Christ, they drank it up as a dehydrated man would gulp down water in a desert.  Finally, there are the individual “hard cases” like my neighbor, Amy, that I pray for often.  I carry these precious souls with me every. single. day.  I hope that I’ll see many of these faces I mention here in heaven one day. 

Wherever my foot lands, I see so many who need Jesus.  The more I live I realize that we all, MYSELF INCLUDED, are in a life and death struggle between faith and doubt, life and death, good and evil.  Because of God’s grace, I have been called to be a minister of light.  I belong to Christ, not because of anything I have done, but because of His great mercy.  However, those that do not believe in Jesus belong to the evil one.  Jesus, our Master says in John 17:

“I have manifested Your name to the men whom You gave Me out of the world; they were Yours and You gave them to Me, and they have kept Your word.  Now they have come to know that everything You have given Me is from You;  for the words which You gave Me I have given to them; and they received them and truly understood that I came forth from You, and they believed that You sent Me.  I ask on their behalf; I do not ask on behalf of the world, but of those whom You have given Me; for they are Yours;  and all things that are Mine are Yours, and Yours are Mine; and I have been glorified in them.  I am no longer in the world; and yet they themselves are in the world, and I come to You. Holy Father, keep them in Your name, the name which You have given Me, that they may be one even as We are.  While I was with them, I was keeping them in Your name which You have given Me; and I guarded them and not one of them perished but the son of perdition, so that the Scripture would be fulfilled.”

I could write an entire entry on this prayer alone, but I’ll only highlight a few ideas.  First of all, notice how Jesus makes a distinction between His followers and “the world”.  We learn in this prayer that believers enjoy God’s protection.  The Good Shepherd watches over us and cares for us.  However, anyone who does not believe Christ’s message is part of “the world”.  Unbelievers who have rejected Jesus’s message are under the enemy’s jurisdiction.  Satan and his minions have free access to those still in the world to keep them blind, bound, suffering, and in sin.

It is my goal to carry Christ into Satan’s domain to rescue unbelievers in the Name of Jesus and pull them into the light with His power (Jude 1:23).  However, just like the villains in our legends and stories, the greatest of all adversaries will not go down without a fight.    

Ephesians 6:12 reads:

“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.”

Look at that verse again.  Let this teaching sink down into your very marrow.  Practically, what this passage is saying is that:

  • When we have an unbelieving supervisor that seems to “have it out” for us- we aren’t wrestling with our boss, but we are fighting the spirits that guide his/her behavior.
  • When we have a wayward child that lives in continual rebellion- we often need to look past our child and the behavior.  Instead, we must fight against the principalities that try to hinder his/her faith and obedience.
  • When we battle stress, anxiety, depression and other ailments, the enemy is always behind the scenes.
  • When we stumble again and again over the same sin- we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against generational iniquity that controls our behavior.  We must go to Christ and ask Him to break Satan’s power in our lives.
  • When an atheist mocks and ridicules our belief in Christ, we are fighting against the powers that keep him/her bound, blind and deaf.

I’ve mentioned several times now that the Lord has given me the gift of discernment.  Let me be clear before I begin to relay personal experiences that I am in no way giving a thorough teaching on spiritual warfare.  My blog is to simply recount miracles I have witnessed.  So, my purpose here is to simply do just that.  In telling my experience in warfare, I want God to get the glory for all He has done!  I also hope that what I say will validate someone else out there who is having similar experiences.   

From the moment the Spirit baptized me and I saw His fiery image above me in my bedroom (see post called Fire), God has occasionally allowed me to catch glimpses into the spirit realm.  In dreams, I have seen lower level demons of anger, lust, and rebellion/witchcraft.  Hollywood cannot do true evil justice.  Demons are ugly beyond description.  They lack any compassion, empathy, are consumed with evil, and are, for lack of a better word, stupid because they can comprehend nothing but bad. 

When I was active on an online Christian forum, I made an acquaintance with an older gentleman named Larry.  One night I had a dream.  I saw Larry and his wife getting into a backyard swimming in a pool for a leisurely dip.  Suddenly, ravenous crocodiles emerged in the water to destroy them.  The scene changed.  A demon was coming toward me.  The demon morphed into Mick Jagger from the Rolling Stones.  A final scene: I frantically called Larry to warn him about the crocodiles.  Larry’s phone rang, but he did not pick up.  I called and called but could never reach him.

The next day, I knew I was supposed to tell Larry about the dream.  Because I was afraid of offending, I started off slowly by simply asking him about the music he had been listening to lately in a private message on the forum.  Larry wrote me back with a stunning response.  It was something like, “It’s funny you should ask.  For the first time in years, I started listening to some Cat Stevens a couple days ago.  I listened to him when I was younger and really enjoyed hearing some old tunes.  In fact, I was on the computer all night downloading a bunch of oldies songs!”  After reading his private message, I did a bit of research on Cat Stevens.  While his music is peaceful sounding and he is widely known as a philanthropist, Cat is a Muslim.  God warns us to have nothing to do with the deeds of darkness (Ephesians 5:11).  Obviously the Lord was not honored by Cat’s music and much of the other “tunes” from the 60’s and 70’s Larry had been listening to. (Incidentally, Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones, who, if I had to guess, were probably included on Larry’s new playlist, were one of the greatest musical offenders of this era.  For example, Jagger plays the devil in Pleased to Meet You.  Mick literally sings this demonic song as if he were a channel for the enemy to speak to the public.  To the world this kind of activity might seem like a harmless game of pretend.  However, to Jesus and His followers, it should be both heartbreaking and appalling for a man, made in God’s image, to intentionally imitate the adversary even for a moment.)  Obviously, Larry had been swimming in dangerous waters by filling his head with Satan’s music just as I saw in the dream. 

I wrote Larry back with a stern warning.  I told him what I saw in the dream and explained the effect listening to evil music would have – that it literally opened both him and his wife up to attacks from the evil one.  Husbands are to cover and protect their wives, and he had done just the opposite by opening the door for Satan to come into his home.  Unfortunately, Larry would not receive what I was saying.  Just like I couldn’t reach him by phone in my dream, I couldn’t reach him in reality.  Larry refused to believe he was doing anything wrong at all.  I was astounded by his response.  I mean, seriously!  I had no way of knowing in the natural world that he had just spent all night downloading music, yet the Lord told me!  If the situation were reversed, I would have been freaked out.  Pure terror would have moved me to instant obedience!  Every song I had downloaded would have been deleted immediately.  Not so with Larry.  He simply would not listen. 

I want to take a moment to say a few things at this juncture.  There have been a few other instances in my life when Jesus has given me a message of rebuke or warning to deliver to a friend or loved one.  First of all, I don’t enjoy bringing a message of reproof.  It requires great faith to metaphorically read aloud a hidden page from someone’s diary when you have never read that diary!  I proceed with these types of communications with great caution and trembling always praying that I’ve heard Jesus correctly.  Secondly, I am a born encourager, and I want to be the bearer of good news (doesn’t everyone?).  It’s not fun to be a downer for a friend, so a difficult word from God is… well, difficult.  However, I have come to understand that a message of chastisement is just as wonderful as a word of encouragement.  God disciplines those He loves, and when we hear, “Don’t!  Beware! Stop it!” it should be heard as loving words from a Father who has our best interests at heart.  Proverbs 12:1 says it very bluntly, “Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid.”  Secondly, I think God has chosen to ask me to give occasional rebukes because He knows that I will never deliver it from a place of judgment but from a place of love.  Believe me when I say I need more grace than anybody!  Finally, and most importantly, the Lord will almost always confront individuals first before asking me or anyone else to correct them.  If they ignore His rebuke by ignoring the conviction of the Holy Spirit or instructions in His Word, sometimes, in His infinite grace, He will ask one of His servants to deliver the message.  Remember how David sinned greatly by committing adultery with Bathsheba and then murdering her husband, Uriah when she got pregnant?  David knew what he was doing was wrong, but he chose not to listen to the warning bells and alarms going off in his head and heart.  So, God sent the prophet, Nathan, to rebuke David.  David, being the great man of God that he was, received the rebuke and repented in dust and ashes.  Just like in David’s case, I firmly believe that the Holy Spirit was convicting Larry telling him to cease listening to ungodly music.  Larry blazed past those warnings.  It was only then that God spoke to me regarding his situation.  Unfortunately, unlike David, Larry did not listen to me either.  I wish Larry had because I am certain the ramifications of his decision to ignore God’s advice were not good.

God’s Word says that, “Satan masquerades as an angel of light.” (2 Corinthians 11:14) Cat Stephens sounds like a peaceful dude, but there are lying deceitful messages hidden in small truths and sweet words.  The devil is a liar and the father of lies (John 8:44).  He will try and trick us with great deception to ensnare and enslave us.  I once had a dream where I saw a beautiful angel.  He had bright blond hair, brilliant blue eyes, and he stood about nine feet tall.  When I saw him, even though he was absolutely dazzling, I felt in my spirit that something wasn’t right.  So, I tested the spirit as 1 John 4:1 instructs.  As soon as I said the name Jesus, the spirit morphed into an ugly hideous creature.  God’s Word sternly warns us in Galatians 1:8, “But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let them be under God’s curse!”  Paul gave this warning because he knew, through God’s guidance, that angels would come to deceive many.  Many of the world’s religions were started when a man had a vision of a supernatural being.  For example, Joseph Smith, founder of the Mormon church, saw an angel named “Moroni”.  Moroni was the guardian of “golden plates” that contained the source material for the Book of Mormon.  Joseph Smith did not test Moroni to see if he came from God.  Moroni did not preach the Jesus Christ revealed in the Bible.  Moroni preached another message!  May Moroni be cursed!  An angel named Gabriel appeared to the prophet Mohammed commanding him to recite verses that would later be included in the Quran.  Mohammed and his followers went on to establish Islam.  The angel that appeared to Mohammed preached a message different than of the Gospel: Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life.  No man comes to the Father except through Jesus!  (John 14:6)  May Mohammed’s angel be cursed!   

I’ll end today’s post by describing how God has used my gift of discernment to do war in the spirit realm.  I am a Joshua when I am awake, and I am a Joshua in my dreams.

When the Lord first began teaching me about spiritual warfare, I fought demons attacking me in my sleep.  Evil entities screamed lies that echoed in my head as I dreamed.  Their main goal was to scare me.  In the beginning it worked!  Even in my sleep I cried out a desperate prayer, “Jesus, help me!”  As my unconscious mind sought God’s help, my physical body floated closer and closer to consciousness.  The demons attacking me did not want me to get fully awake.  They knew that when I was awake, I could speak, pray, and really fight them off.  Proverbs 18:21 says that “life and death are in the power of the tongue”.  If awake, I could send the demons packing with one word: Jesus!  So, as I fought to regain consciousness, the demons fought to keep me asleep.  In really tough battles, I felt evil spirits choking me.  As soon as I finally wrestled myself awake, I prayed.  I turned worship music on very low and tried to relax.  It was hard to not panic even after I was safely conscious!  These experiences were scary!  To try to calm down, I always meditated on scripture.  One that always gave me solace was 2 Timothy 1:7: “For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline.”  I often heard Jesus say through His Word, “Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)  Eventually, as my faith got stronger, the demons got weaker.  When the attacks first began, they came almost nightly.  Eventually, as I gained victory night after night, they stopped bothering me.  Today, the only time they have a window to get to me is if I fall into unrepentant sin.  Demonic scare tactics do not work anymore… I’ll write about this in my next blog post!

Occasionally, I have gone to battle for others in my dreams.  A few years ago, I went to visit my friend Valerie’s house in Oklahoma over spring break.  I met her four gorgeous daughters while I was there.  Her second oldest, Amanda, was clearly struggling with some very personal issues.  I thought of Amanda and prayed for her while I was there and on the plane ride home.  Valerie and I had stayed up late talking and sharing while I was away, and I was exhausted when my plane landed in Indiana.  As soon as I got back to my apartment, I went straight to bed to get some much needed sleep.  My nap was anything but restful.  

The Lord allowed me to have a dream.  I found myself floating in a huge turbulent gray ocean.  Clouds and darkness consumed my vision.  Rain poured down and lightening flashed.  Amanda was next to me in the water, struggling.  She was fighting an unseen force and failing.  Suddenly, I looked up and saw not an ordinary demon, but a higher ranking principality.  This horrifying creature looked like a pterodactyl and had a huge wingspan of maybe 30 feet.  My spirit knew the monster was a spirit of suicide.  I could not fight this principality on my own.  I had to get awake.  I fought harder than I ever have in my life to get awake.  The demonic spirits did not want me to get other people praying as I knew I needed.  Finally, I was able to open my eyes and stumble to the phone to call my friend and prayer partner/warrior Dani living in North Carolina.  I tried to explain in an almost drunk like state that I had been fighting a spirit of suicide and that I desperately needed back up in prayer.  I wasn’t able to stay awake long enough to explain the entire dream because I simply didn’t have the strength.  After I hung up the phone, I said a quick prayer and collapsed again into my bed totally spent.  Mercifully, I slept peacefully when my darling Dani took over.

The next day, Dani called me to say that Amanda had attempted suicide.  Thank God Amanda failed.  The only conclusion that I can draw from the above is that God loved Amanda so much that He moved on His children to pray and thwart the efforts of the enemy. 

Beloved readers, God’s Word is true.  We wrestle not against flesh and blood, but we do indeed fight unseen spirits in the air that work tirelessly to destroy (John 10:10).  This invisible spiritual battle waging around us between light and dark will continue until Christ comes back.  Even though Satan roams around like a roaring lion to persecute and distress us (1 Peter 5:8), ultimately, those that are in Christ have total and resounding victory.  God’s Word ecstatically declares in Romans 8:35-39,

“Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?  Just as it is written, ‘For Your sake we are being put to death all day long; We were considered as sheep to be slaughtered.’ But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Folks, God wins!  He wins the big battles, and He wins the small wars.  Even when Satan throws great heartache, pain and suffering our way, “we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

Praise Jesus because the deciding war was already won 2,000 years ago when Jesus declared, “It is finished!” and gave His life as a sacrifice for you and for me (John 19:13). Our conquering King “disarmed the powers and authorities, (and) made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross.” (Colossians 2:5) The demons tremble at the Name of Jesus.  When I say His Name, they must flee in terror!  Someday in the future, when God’s people finally see Jesus face to face, we will all be witness to the moment when,

“…at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of those in heaven, and of those on earth, and of those under the earth, and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.” (Philippians 2:10)

Glory Hallelujah! 

In my next entry, I will continue to talk about spiritual warfare.  I’ll speak about going to battle for one lost soul and the victory that is rightly mine through the power of the cross.

 

Guided

Posted in God, Holy Spirit, Jesus, miracles by

I am currently teaching a women’s Bible study. The focus of this week’s lesson was on the (often mysterious) Holy Spirit. I was so moved by the study and the group’s discussion on the subject, that I knew I would need to add to the story I had already planned to write in this entry. Consequently, I spent a lot of time teaching today and then end this post by telling a tale about one particular instance when I was led by the Spirit!

Here are some of the verses about the 3rd Person in the Trinity that help to explain His role in the lives of Believers:

• The Spirit teaches us what to say. (Luke 12:11-12)
• He prays for us when we don’t know what to pray. (Romans 8:26-27)
• He gives us power! (Acts 1:8)
• He guides and teaches truth. (John 15:26-27)
• He produces fruits of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control. (Galatians 5:22-25)
• He advocates for us and helps us. (John 14:15-26)
• After belief in Christ, the Spirit seals us to guarantee our inheritance in God’s Kingdom. (Ephesians 1:13-14)

These are just a few passages (and there are many more!) that describe the absolute vital role the Spirit plays in Believers’ lives. It is clear that in order for Christians to walk in power, we must begin to hear and heed the soft whispering voice of the Spirit.

A question I often get from others when I relay some of my experiences and conversations with Jesus is, “How do you hear the Holy Spirit?” That is a loaded question. Volumes of books have been written on this subject, and I am not on par with great theologians. What I can relay is what I have learned from experience. God has taught me as I searched to know Him more, and I will try my best to explain what I know here.

First of all, there is no magic formula or four step program to guide you in discerning the Voice of God. Also know that we will make mistakes and misunderstand sometimes! Paul says that “we see through a glass dimly” (1 Corinthians 13:12), and for this reason, we will hear wrong or misinterpret what is the Lord is trying to say. However, when we hear incorrectly, God still sees our heart and our desire to please Him. He is the Good Shepherd that will gently and firmly redirect us with His shepherd’s staff whenever we get off course. So, don’t let a fear of hearing wrong keep you from stepping out in faith to try to listen!

Secondly, the Spirit speaks differently to each of God’s children. Just like every parent approaches their kids uniquely based on their individual personalities and gifts, the Spirit will speak differently to each one of us. I have a couple of friends that can sit down and study the Bible for hours and hours because the Lord has chosen to gift them with research ability. God speaks to them mightily as they read His Word and logically consider the facts. These friends get joy from looking up the original Hebrew and Greek meanings of individual words, and they cross reference passages for long stretches of time. These friends own Strong’s Concordance and use this resource often, and almost all of the pages in their beloved Bibles are highlighted, notated, and tattered from use. The amount of understanding and wisdom God gives them through their study is amazing, and it is their delight to spend long afternoons mining for nuggets of truth in the Word.

Unlike my friends, I cannot sit for hours studying. It is my prayer that the Lord will help me be more of a student of His Word like my friends, but I know that I will never be a detailed researcher. It is not the way the Lord made me! I approach the Word conversationally. I can almost hear Jesus speaking directly to me when I read scripture. Always as I read, I reply back to my King in both silent and audible words of repentance, wonder, joy and praise. The Lord has also given me the ability to retain information that I hear. When I first gave my life to Christ, God generously afforded me many hours a day to bathe in His truth. I needed to be washed from the wrong thinking and disobedience that had gotten me into great messes! I spent almost all of my free time listening to sermons from great teachers like Ravi Zacharias, James McDonald, Alistair Begg, John MacArther, Charles Stanley, and David Jeremiah. Whenever I traveled in my car, I tuned into Christian radio to hear God’s Word or listen to His music. I soaked up every morsel like a sponge. Many times a sermon would come to speak to me exactly where I was, meeting my needs in God’s perfect timing. The Lord used great Bible orators as His vessels to speak to me and guide me into greater truths. The knowledge I gained from these precious years in His Word is still guiding me today as the Spirit prompts me to remember this learned wisdom on a daily basis. Finally, I often perceive the Spirit’s voice in prayer and in dreams and visions because Jesus, in His perfect will, has chosen to speak to me in this way. Again, God approaches His sons and daughters differently, and the Lord responds to all His children uniquely and always in the perfect love of a Father.

A couple of words of warning: When trying to discern God’s Voice, we must never approach Jesus as if He were a genie in a bottle or a vending machine. God is altogether valuable and worthy, and He deserves our total respect and overwhelming gratitude. He responds to humble hearts that are desperately seeking Him first, instead of the works of His hands. The Lord’s mission statement from the beginning was to restore our broken relationship so that He would be our God, and we would be His people (Jeremiah 31:33). We see over and over in His Word that Father desires a relationship with us, and we would be foolish not to want a relationship with Him above all things! I hope you can clearly see from what I’ve written here that just as we must cultivate our earthly friendships, we must spend time with our Heavenly Father by talking to Him in prayer, learning about Him in His Word, and meditating on His wonderful attributes and creation. As we hang out with Jesus, we begin to recognize His voice (John 10:27). There are no shortcuts to intimacy.

Unfortunately, my last word of caution is to point out that we also have to compete with the enemy’s voice trying to clamor for our attention. The Lord will never… and I mean NEVER… say anything contrary to His Word. It is our duty as Christians, therefore, to know what the Word says and to examine all messages in the light of scripture (Acts 17:11)! If you hear a message, sermon, voice or book saying something different than what the Bible says, run fast and pray harder! Satan is constantly throwing fiery lying arrows at us in his desperate attempt to get us to doubt God and live in fear (Ephesians 6:16). We must be diligent to use the sword of the Word of God and the knowledge of the truth to combat these falsehoods and assaults on our faith (2 Corinthians 10:15).

Very recently, I asked the Lord a direct question about the location of misplaced car keys. I prayed this prayer in anger and in a state of unforgiveness as I believed (wrongly as it turned out) that my spouse had lost them. After I prayed, “Where are my keys, Lord?” in heated frustration, I heard a “voice” answer, “They were thrown away.” I believed this lie, and of course the result of this false belief was that my anger at Jason grew even more intense. Days later when the keys were finally found in my yard, it was obvious that the voice I heard was not Jesus’s but Satan’s. Again, I believe the reason our enemy’s voice came through so clearly to confuse and destroy was because I was sinning in my anger. In white hot fury, my tongue cut my beloved husband to the quick, and I said things no Christian should say. Ephesians 4:26-27 says, “Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity.” I obviously gave the enemy an opportunity because of my unbridled temper, and the slimy opportunist took it! Today as I prayed before work, I heard the Lord say that He would not answer my prayers until I sought my husband’s full forgiveness for the unholy way I treated him in my unrighteous selfish anger by verbalizing an apology face-to-face. God said He would not hear me until I did (Matthew 5:21-26). The unresolved conflict felt like an unseen wall between me and my King during our conversation, and I resolved then and there to apologize as the Spirit commanded.

I can rejoice in the above lesson. While the enemy hoped to create lasting division in my relationship with my spouse, the Lord turned this experience around for good. Jason, being more mature in this area than I am, was gentle and kind even after the keys were found and he was vindicated. Because of his self control, we were reunited in love within hours after the blow out. As for me, I learned an absolutely vital lesson about how the enemy plots and schemes, and I will be more wary next time when anger temps me to sin. My faith in my ability to hear God was shaken until I examined scripture in Ephesians 4:26-27. Once I learned more of God’s truth on this particular subject, that faith was restored. In addition, I will be harder to trick next time! Hallelujah and praise Jesus because He “causes all things to work together for the good for those who love Him, to those who are called according to His purpose!” (Romans 8:28)

Finally, I must be absolutely clear when I say that the Spirit speaks to those who will listen- as in heed His instructions. Many times, Father’s will is obvious without a huge billboard or booming voice because we are mercifully and graciously given instructions for all circumstances in His Word (as the above situation clearly demonstrates). Those that don’t read the Word, therefore, are extremely vulnerable to grave error, for God declares “My people are destroyed by lack of knowledge!” (Hosea 4:6) Don’t be destroyed! Seek God’s will in your life by reading His Word! For instance, God asks us to “not be unequally yoked with unbelievers” (2 Corinthians 6:14). Papa God does not want His child to marry a non-Christian because, as I can personally testify, it causes great heartache and division in the home. Although God is gracious, slow to anger, and merciful, if His child disobeys these explicit instructions in outright rebellion by marrying an unbeliever, then he/she will have a harder time discerning the Voice of God until true repentance takes place. Furthermore, what’s sobering and very scary is that those that continue in this kind of outright rebellion will eventually be given over to a “reprobate” mind (Romans 1:28). Basically, God says that after continual disobedience He will eventually cease speaking to these folks at all! Our Just Judge will leave defiant people to wonder through life without truth because they chose to abandon it. Eventually, these people will spend their lives chasing their own lusts and desires without any conviction by the Spirit because their hearts have turned hard and arrogant. The final result is that they believe improper behavior acceptable and even champion it. This is what has happened to many today in America. People have refused to listen to God’s truth, but instead have created their own value systems based on culture, political correctness, and feelings. The end result of these choices has been and will continue to be great pain, suffering, and finally utter destruction. Isaiah says to the reprobate, “Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil; Who substitute darkness for light and light for darkness; Who substitute bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter!” May this very stern warning cause us to tremble before the Mighty Judge in continual repentance and to seek His will above our own at all costs.

When I first starting seeking God’s will, I timidly began to try to hear His whispers. If I heard the Spirit, I would, like Gideon, almost always ask for a “sign” of confirmation. Jesus would often answer my request for a sign in ways that made it impossible to doubt that I heard Him correctly. Even now the Lord still gives me signs in special circumstances (read my post entitled Beloved written on November 17th, 2013). However, as I continue to mature and obey the Spirit, God’s voice gets louder. As this happens, Abba Father is less willing to give a sign of confirmation when He speaks. Instead he says, “No. No sign this time, Julie. You know My Voice. I’m stretching Your faith.”

An example of this came about a year ago when I got an invitation to attend my neighbors’ Halloween party. Now if you know me at all, you can probably guess that I would not normally attend a Halloween party. First of all, I have studied the dubious history behind this “holiday”, and it seemed hypocritical for a Christian to participate. Secondly, I don’t enjoy parties that are centered on alcohol consumption, and I knew this particular gathering would be. However, because I had been praying for my neighbors and specifically for my neighbor, Amy, I desperately wanted to develop a relationship with her. This seemed like opportunity for me to spend time with her on her turf in a non-confrontational way. So, I prayed about it asking for God’s will. “Should I go, Lord?” I asked. That night, I had a dream. In the dream, I was at my neighbors’ house at the Halloween Party. I was dressed up in a white sweatshirt with a huge red heart in the middle. My “costume” was literally LOVE. When I woke up, I knew the Lord wanted me to attend the party and love on my neighbors while I was there. I was given no additional “sign” of confirmation. I just had to obey. (In case you are curious, no, I did not dress up as “love”. I admit that this was my plan until I started looking for wire headbands with hearts sticking up like antennae. As I began shopping for heart accessories, God stopped me by explaining that I was being too literal and that coming dressed up in actual hearts would be too heavy handed! LOL!)

The day of the party came, and I was understandably nervous. Amy is in an atheist group, and I knew many of her friends from this community would be there. I felt like I would be a sheep among wolves! When I got to my neighbors’ house, however, I was excited to be there. Amy has the gift of hospitality and humor, and I felt welcomed and happy within a few minutes. I had fun catching up with old friends from high school and enjoyed laughing at the different creative costumes. Towards the end of the party, however, something strange happened. Amy came up and hugged me hard. In tears she said, “Why are you so nice to me? Why are you so loving?” In a rush of words, Amy began to refer to a time when she was sick and my kids made her cards and I brought her soup and medicine. Amy said as she hugged me and petted my hair, “My friends weren’t as nice as you were to me when I was sick!” and again she asked, “Why are you so nice to me?” After Amy finally ended the hug, I stood in the middle of the festive atmosphere dumbfounded. A few minutes later, my friend came up to me to hug me again. And then again! Amy hugged me over and over for minutes on end with tears staining her lovely face and smearing her beautifully applied makeup. “I love you,” she would say. All I knew to say in return was, “I love you too.” Every time my arms wrapped around her beautiful frame, I prayed and asked God to remember this precious soul. I asked Him to break through the pain and unbelief in her heart so that Amy would be His child and that she would call Him Daddy.

I believe with all my heart that He will answer my prayers for Amy. And, wouldn’t you know it, the Lord was right! If I had listened to my “church girl” opinion on the matter of attending a Halloween party, I never would have gone. However, I obeyed the Spirit’s leading even though it made no earthly sense. The fruits of that decision are lasting. After the party, Jesus swung open the door to a friendship that is still developing. Amy and I no longer see each other as adversaries but as friends. I love her dearly. Praise God!

Months later, the Lord brought the original dream to memory out of the blue one day. He reminded me of the white sweatshirt with a heart on it. Suddenly, a minor detail hit me like a lightening bolt. The sweatshirt I wore in the dream was the very same sweatshirt I wore when dancing on the sidelines at Indiana University the day I sacrificed my will for God’s so that the Lord would hear my prayers for Amy. (See last post) This realization was the exclamation point and cherry on top! God had seen my love in action as I danced at IU for Amy, and He used that same love to propel me to go the party. Wow. Only the Lord could arrange things so perfectly!

The mysterious, wonderful, magnificent Holy Spirit is what gives us power to impact our world. He tells us what to do, and then gives us power to do it! He teaches us truth, and then brings that truth back to remembrance in times of need. He comforts us, indwells us, and lets us live a life that is truly separate to shine for the world to see.

“Father God, I pray that my readers would have ears to hear what You are trying to say through this broken vessel. Draw them near. Help them to begin to seek and hear your Voice. Fill them daily with Your Spirit so that Your children would be a beacon of hope, truth, and light in this dark world. In Jesus’s Name, Amen.”

The Fear of Man

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Indiana University, 1998redstepper1998

Women were born to help, nurture, love, and encourage.  While these are great Godly qualities, the enemy does all he can to add large doses of fear to a girl’s innate assets.  The end result of this addition is a disease that almost every woman must fight: people pleasing. 

Hi.  I’m Julie.  I am a people pleaser.

I want everyone around me to be 100% happy 100% of the time (realistic, aren’t I?).  When I think someone is upset with me, regardless of the reason or if I am innocent of any perceived wrongdoing, I hate it.  As in, I can’t sleep, I constantly think about the matter, and I break my neck to fix it.  In the past when conflicts have arisen, I have admitted fault knowing full well that I was essentially blameless.  It was better to lie and apologize (and that’s what it was… lying) than for the fight to continue.  If someone even looks at me with disapproval or disappointment, panic bursts in my belly.  I have a hard time drawing and keeping boundaries because I’m anxious about even the potential of upsetting someone I love.  Even if my schedule is completely full, it’s hard for me to say no when someone asks for help or wants my services.  Sometimes, I serve folks not out of a holy motivation of love, but out of an unholy desire for someone to “like me more”. (Do you see how that subtle yet powerful difference makes even a good deed selfish?  I served for me and my validation, not for them.)  When my boss calls me into his office, my first reaction is usually fear.  My internal monologue sounds something like, “Uh oh, he’s mad.  What did I do wrong?”  These thoughts come even if I’ve been doing great work!  Meetings with any authority figure freak me out.  I am compelled to give the “right answer” and hate to ruffle feathers. 

It’s not fun to admit all these things.  Shew, when I write it all out like this, I see what a mess I am!  My desire to please others can, if I am not careful, direct my entire life.  This is wrong.  It is God that should be calling shots.  I cannot please man and God at the same time.  I just can’t! 

A great Biblical example of a people pleaser was Saul.  When the prophet Samuel anointed Saul as king of Israel, he looked the part.  The Bible says that Saul was tall and very handsome (1 Samuel 9:1).  Because he was so good looking, he probably got used to hearing the praises and adoration of others.   The Bible shows us that he cared more about what the people thought of him than about obeying the Lord.  Saul’s ultimate downfall came when the Lord commanded Saul to destroy the Amalekites and to keep none of the plunder.  God asked this of Saul because the Amalekites had tried to destroy Israel without provocation as they traveled in the desert after the Exodus.  After the Amalekites’ initial defeat in the desert, God promised Moses that He would “blot out the memory of every Amalek under heaven”.  (Exodus 17:14)  The Lord was trying keep His promise to Moses through Saul, Israel’s king.  However, after Saul defeated the Amalekites, he did not carry out the Lord’s orders as instructed.  Instead, Saul spared the Amalekite’s king, Agag, and succumbed to the people’s wishes by letting them keep the best of the livestock.  Because Saul disobeyed the Lord and listened to the people, God chose to give his kingdom to David.  In addition to these short term consequences, king Saul’s disobedience spelled almost certain disaster for the Jews centuries later.  A decedent of Agag, Haman, led the plot to kill all of Israel during Babylonian rule.  The Lord was faithful to rescue Israel through Queen Esther’s brave obedience, but all the suffering and worry could have been prevented if Saul would have fulfilled the Lord’s command years earlier!

Do you see that if we work to please people we cannot please God?  What’s worse is that we can, in our desperate and often times cowardly desire to please others instead of Jesus, thwart the purposes and plans of God in our life and in the lives of others.  What a wakeup call!

The first time I went against my mother’s wishes to do what the Lord called me to do, I was in my mid-twenties, and I was terrified.  I felt led to attend a different church.  My mother loved that I went to the service with her, and I knew the switch would not be well received.  God wouldn’t let me wimp out by avoiding the situation or by sending an immature email, but instead He insisted that I act like an adult and tell her of my plans to change churches face to face.  I sat on my parents’ back porch in a plastic white lawn chair and stared trembling into my mother’s disapproving eyes.  As I communicated my intentions, she reacted exactly as I knew she would.  Mom was angry and hurt that I would consider going somewhere else without her.  It took all my reserves and Jesus’s strength to not cave in to her wishes and to say plainly and openly, “I want to do God’s will, not yours.” 

About a year later, the Lord called me back to my childhood church.  While I was away, Jesus grew my faith.  I learned much about life in ministry.  These were great fruits gleaned from a hard decision.  However, I believe the main reason Jesus asked me to leave in the first place was to test me to see who I would obey- man or God.  I’m glad I passed.

The Lord wasn’t finished testing me the area of people pleasing though.  This time when the trial came, it wasn’t one person I had to stand against.  It was ten thousand.

When I was younger, I was a pretty girl.  I was a dancer, had a cute little figure, and people complimented me frequently on my looks. The compliments felt life giving, and I blossomed under the praise.  Slowly, I began to be prideful about my appearance.  I enjoyed it when guys watched me walk down the hall at school.  While my mother never let me get entirely out of hand with my wardrobe, I sometimes chose things that were too tight, short, or clingy to get even more attention from the opposite sex.  I had so many clothes that at one point my friends dared me to try and go an entire quarter without wearing the same thing twice.  I succeeded.  I loved makeup, shoes, and dressing up.  In college, I was on an Indiana University dance team called Redsteppers.  One of the prerequisites to be on the team was not only dance ability, but also attractiveness.  During home games, I used to smile with shy satisfaction when my dance team would enter the stadium.  Boisterous boys in the home crowd would clap, whistle, and yell, “Red-Step-ERS!  Red-Step-ERS!”  Not unpredictably, over time I began to believe that my value was somehow linked to my physical appearance.  Everything in America’s culture reaffirmed the lie. 

During all those years I spent countless hours shopping, primping, and looking into the mirror, I gave little or no thought to developing Godly character and integrity.  When I gave Jesus Lordship over my life however, He would not let this wrong focus and arrogance continue.  God does not look at the outward appearance, but at the heart!  (1 Samuel 16:7) 

After I got married and had my daughter, I began to struggle with my weight.  After the birth of my son, I lost the battle completely.  As the pounds came, I prayed, cried, and continually asked God to help me lose weight.  I tried every diet.  While I had some temporary successes, nothing worked over the long haul.  Finally, the Lord unexpectantly answered my prayers for help through a Godly woman during a woman’s Bible study.  His response was, “I will not help you right now, Julie.”  Not the answer I was hoping for, but I knew why the Lord gave me a temporary no.  Because of Bible reading I was self aware enough to know that Jesus needed to humble me in this area, and He also wanted to show me that true eternal value had absolutely nothing to do with hairstyle, lipstick color, or dress size.  Scriptures I read taught me that physical beauty was vain and fleeting , but a woman who feared the Lord and of noble character was more precious than rubies or gold.  (Proverbs 31).  Unlike the shallow compliments I had received in my youth, women of Godly character would get deserved honor and praise in this life and in the next.  As I walked with God, I was changed from the inside out.  Jesus frequently whispered in low moments that I was more beautiful now than I had ever been. 

You would think that after I had learned all this truth, man’s opinion wouldn’t matter.  But it did!  I still cared what others thought about me and was addicted to their approval!  People were kinder to me as a thin person.  I found that the curvier I got, the less eye contact I got in public.  Instead of being noticed by strangers, I felt like others saw right through me. 

I’m glad I serve a God that sees us all! Amen?

One day in the summer of 2012, I was perusing my email’s inbox when I noticed a message from the Indiana University’s Redsteppers.  Upon reading, I learned that there was to be a 40th anniversary performance in the fall at a Hoosier football game, and all team alumni were invited.  I didn’t even give a second thought to the invitation.  I would never go.  Who would want to see a chubby gal dancing on the sidelines?  While seeing my old friends would be fun, it would not be worth the humiliation.  No.  NO THANK YOU! 

A few days later, I was driving down the interstate singing praise songs when the Lord jolted me out of making more joyful noises with thoughts of the Redstepper’s 40th anniversary. 

Patiently He inquired, “Did You ask me if I wanted you to go?” 

“Well, no, Lord,” I conceded.  Uh oh.  This didn’t seem like it was going to end well.

“I want you to go.” 

“But Lord!  It would be so embarrassing!  I would rather die!”

“I want you to go. I want you to be a living sacrifice for Me.” (Romans 12:1)

“But….”

“If you want your prayers for your neighbor to be answered, you must obey.  Whose opinion is more important?  Mine or man’s?”

“Yours,” I sighed in surrender.  “Okay, I’ll go.  I’ll go for You.  I’ll go for my neighbor.” I blushed at the mere thought of prancing about in front of thousands of fans on game day.  This was going to take all I had to carry out the promise I had just made.

God did not give me time to back out.  Less than one minute after I made the promise, my cell phone rang.  I looked at the caller ID and rolled my eyes not even surprised.  Of course it was Alexis, my Redstepper friend.  Alexis lived in Maine, and I hadn’t spoken to her in literally a year.  I knew she was calling to see if I would be going to the 40th anniversary game. 

“Hello?” I answered.

“Hi Julie!  It’s Lexi!  I was wondering if you were going to the football game?”

“Yeah I’ll be there!” I said with feigned enthusiasm. 

After we chatted awhile, I hung up the phone and groaned.  She was going to book a flight to Indiana now that I had said I was going.  I couldn’t change my mind.  “Well played, Jesus,” I thought.  “Well played.”

In the months leading up to performance day, I learned the routine by watching a video online.  My body remembered how to high kick and move.  I still loved to dance!  However, the day my shirt size was emailed to the entire group, my stomach dropped and a dark blush colored my face.  Obviously, the email wasn’t meant to shame me.  Organizers simply wanted dancers to confirm orders.  However, my size “L” stuck out like a sore thumb among a long list of mediums and smalls.  The worst part was knowing that this small embarrassment was only a precursor to the humiliation of actual game day.   

Love is an action word. Faith without works is dead (James 2:20)!  God had never asked this much of me before, but I was determined to obey.  I would show Jesus how much I loved Him by doing this thing.  I would have obeyed for no person on earth. 

Game day came.  I drove to my university campus with butterflies and arrived at the practice field with great trepidation.  Alexis was there and we caught up in between our old coach’s 8 counts and directives.  Throughout the day, I smiled and made polite small talk.  I faced over 10,000 fans in the fall sunshine and performed my turns and kicks without error.  I held Alexis’s new baby.  I cheered with the fans and with my supportive family after my half time routine.  Predictably, the Hoosiers lost the game, but I won the war.  In short, I ground my teeth and powered through. 

Why did God want me at that game so badly?  I can guess that it was for a couple of reasons.  First of all, everyone on my Redstepper team knew how I got married: I had only known my then boyfriend now husband for a couple of months, we got hitched in the courthouse against my parents’ wishes, I dropped out of the dance team and out of college entirely, etc.   Nobody, and I mean nobody expected Jason and I to still be together.  Even less predicted that I would finish school.  The fact that my marriage was still going and that I had graduated was a witness to the redeeming power of Jesus.  I got to tell other dancers about my faith.  Secondly, God asked me to go for my neighbor, “Amy”.  After I had obeyed, the Lord honored this one act of obedience and began to hear my prayers for her salvation.  I will write more about this in the next story.

 While everyone was kind that day on the football field and no one said a negative word, I could still sense their disapproval at my fuller frame.  The miracle is not as spectacular as some of the others I have described, but no less important.  It is this: I lived through their disapproving stares and negative judgments with God’s strength and presence.  I proved to myself and most importantly to Jesus that I would obey Him even at great personal cost to my own ego and need to please.  His will was more important than man’s opinion.  I wasn’t like Saul that day at IU.  I was a David- a woman after God’s own heart (Acts 13:22). 

redstepper2012 I am on the back row, forth one from the left.

Beloved

Posted in God, Holy Spirit, Jesus, miracles, prayer, Religion, Uncategorized by

My life verse is:

“I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing.” (John 15:5 emphasis added)

Abiding denotes a relationship. If you live together, you know each other. I want to know my Savior. It has been my experience that prayer, like nothing else, allows me to know Him. In prayer, I can, by the power of the Spirit (the same Spirit that raised Christ from the dead), think and feel what God thinks and feels. Look at these verses to see this amazing promised confirmed in scripture:

1 Corinthians 2:9-16 says:
“However, as it is written:
“What no eye has seen,
what no ear has heard,
and what no human mind has conceived”—
the things God has prepared for those who love him—
these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit.
The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who knows a person’s thoughts except their own spirit within them? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. What we have received is not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may understand what God has freely given us. This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, explaining spiritual realities with Spirit-taught words. The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit. The person with the Spirit makes judgments about all things, but such a person is not subject to merely human judgments, for,
“Who has known the mind of the Lord
so as to instruct him?”
But we have the mind of Christ.”

I can humbly yet resolutely confirm that God’s mind directs my thoughts and even my feelings. One Sunday quite a few years ago, for example, I was praying during communion when I began to think of my sister-in-law out of the blue. Suddenly, I was completely overcome with grief and sadness. I had a very great burden to pray for her, and my heart ached in my chest as I wept for her unnamed pain. As I drove home with my husband that morning, my eyes continued to ooze tears. In an impassioned plea, I looked over at a confused Jason in the driver’s seat and said, “We need to pray for your sister!” Without revealing too much about a very personal situation, the next day I was to learn why I had felt such grief. My sister-in-law’s long term relationship had ended with painful betrayal the day the Lord asked me to pray for her.

Through this experience, I knew my King because my heart was truly abiding with His for those few moments in church. I discovered with absolute resounding clarity that Jesus is compassionate in ways I had never understood until then. His compassionate heart literally leveled me, and I intuitively knew the feelings I experienced were only glimpses. My weak body could only handle small doses of His infinite oceans of empathy.

Hebrews 4:13-16 “And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are open and laid bare to the eyes of Him with whom we have to do.
Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”

Christ’s mind moved me, His vessel, to grieve and empathize with my sister-in-law’s pain even when my physical mind had no idea about her situation. Then, because of grace, the Spirit began to make intercession through me, a used vessel, as I begged God to show her how lovely, precious, and beautiful she was even in the face of rejection. The Lord refused to leave my sister-in-law alone in her grief. How deep the Father’s love for us! To know His love changes one forever.

I have a neighbor that I love dearly. For the sake of privacy I will call her Amy, because Amy means beloved. Amy married one of my brother’s best high school friends. For this reason, I began praying for Amy and her husband long before they serendipitously moved across the street. She is a proud atheist and a beautiful, gregarious, generous person. At first, conversations with her were awkward and confrontational. I worked to convince her that Jesus was real. One day, after responding to Amy in another long-winded admittedly argumentative private message on Facebook, I took a walk with my family to depressurize. As my husband and children strolled ahead on a neighborhood bike path, I fell back a bit to speak to God about our “debate”. My mind was twirling and running in the aftermath of the heated discussion. I wondered aloud to the Lord if anything I had written would get through. Suddenly, my rampant thoughts were interrupted with what I can only describe as the heart of God. For a moment, I saw my neighbor as He saw her. My Father was her Father too. She was His creation. Beautiful. Loved. Treasured. Father’s feelings for Amy, His beloved little girl, hit so hard that I could barely continue to walk. Then I heard the Spirit whisper, “I just want you to love her.” At that moment, I was convinced that arguments would not win her heart, only love would.

And so I love Amy. Not with a fake phony love. But with the supernatural love of the Father in heaven who loves His child even as she denies and mocks Him. Remember my life verse? Jesus said “apart from Me, you can do nothing.” All my defending and apologetic arguments for the Christian faith were in my own strength and flesh. God told me as I walked down that little path that all that talking and debating amounted to nothing. However, if I loved Amy with the love He gave me, she would come home.

I have heard Christians say that unbelievers cannot live happy lives without God. I disagree. What my brothers and sisters in Christ fail to realize is that lost folks don’t know what they don’t know. They don’t understand supernatural joy and peace because they have never experienced it. If someone has never heard the Lord’s whispers or felt the Spirit quicken, then how can I explain it? To atheists, my stories probably sound like utter foolishness. “The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit.” (1 Corinthians 2:14)

I can only continue to intercede and ask that God draws those precious lost souls I am burdened for to Himself for Jesus said, “No one can come to Me unless the Father who sent Me draws him; and I will raise him up on the last day.” (John 6:44)

Sometimes the burden for the lost literally leaves me breathless. One night as I prepared to go to sleep, I approached the Lord in prayer. I closed my eyes and saw the throne of God. My King sat in light and looked down on me in love. I fell to my knees and cried, “Holy!” Then, after I told Jesus I loved and adored Him, the Spirit began to intercede for the lost though me. I starting calling out for the salvation of my friends, loved ones, and neighbors. After a couple of seconds of speaking names, I knew I would repeat myself or forget important people without some sort of organization.

So, I looked up at God’s face hidden in light and asked Him for something to write on. If I could symbolically write each person’s name down, the process would help me keep track of who I had prayed for and who I still needed to bring to the Lord’s attention. To my surprise, God did not hand me paper, but a rectangular piece of wood about 3 feet wide and six inches long. So instead of writing, I began to carve the names of those I loved into the wood Christ gave me. When I had finished carving the first a name, I sat the piece of wood to the side, and asked for another piece of wood. I continued like this for a long time. I cried and carved and stacked pieces of wood. Eventually I was completely overwhelmed at the enormity of the stack of wood I had built. “There are so many, Lord!” I cried. Finally, when the burden lifted, I fell into an exhausted sleep. I dreamed that night and woke up to the sound of my own voice singing to the Lord.

The next day, I drove to work as usual. My kiddos were quietly reading in the back seat, so it gave me time to think about last night’s prayer time. As I reflected on these events in the light of day, it all seemed so strange! So, I said, “Lord Jesus, I need a sign that it was You directing my thoughts and actions last night. I would love a confirming sign showing me You heard me.” I didn’t know how God would answer my prayer- it was so specific- but I knew He could.

I walked into work and sat down at my desk in the front office of a school office. About five minutes later, I was engrossed in a task when I heard my boss, the principal, say, “Have you seen this, Julie?” I looked up and saw him holding this:

gracepaddle

Apparently the “grace board” had showed up on campus over the weekend, and it was strangely leaning against the building during car line drop off. My boss decided to bring it inside and didn’t quite know what to do with such a strange object.

This was a goose bumps moment. I smiled and shook my head. Astounded. Yep, that was the word. I was astounded. God had obviously heard my cries. The Lord of the universe had heard my prayer, and the Spirit was there guiding me the whole time! But how could I explain this? Would anyone understand?

As I continued to reflect on what the Lord was trying to communicate, I was stunned. The above picture is obviously of a paddle- typically a tool used for punishment. However, because grace is carved into the wood, I knew God was pointing to this:

kingofthejews

The day God’s Son hung from a tree, a sign was posted above Him. Although it was an attempt at mockery, every word written was true. Carved in Hebrew, Greek and Latin, were the words: “Jesus the Nazarene, King of the Jews”.

It should have been my name carved in the wood. I should have died on that tree. All those that I had prayed for that night- they too deserved punishment because they have denied their Creator in unbelief or aloofness. They were among those in the crowd who mocked and laughed at God’s Son that dark day.

However, Jesus, King of the Jews, is unlike any other king in history. Even while He suffered and died at the hands of hateful men, He prayed, “Forgive them, for they know not what they do!” As His blood was spilled to ransom the world, a tool of punishment became the ultimate tool of grace.

We are not on this earth to live moral lives.
We are not here to seek our own happiness.
We are not here to survive and endure.

We are here to abide with Jesus as it was in the beginning before the fall.
We are here to declare the work of the cross so that others might also experience the free gift of grace.
We are here to love as He first loved us.

Beloved, it is my prayer that you would know Him. From my soul I cry out to you and for you. He is Lord! One day soon, His Bride, His beloved, His Amy, will cry out in victory as she sees Jesus coming back for her:

“Listen! My beloved! Behold, he is coming, Climbing on the mountains, Leaping on the hills!” (Song of Solomon 2:8)

Guilty as Charged

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I’m gonna let ya’ll in on a little secret.  I’m a crazy driver.  I was born with a lead foot and wouldn’t even want to guess at how many tickets I’ve accrued throughout the years.  I have managed to avoid an accident in recent history, but you’d better believe I’ve had my fair share.  I used to loathe the day when my car insurance bill arrived each month.  It made me cringe.

Back in ’07 or ’08, I was pulled over for speeding in a school zone.  (I know, I know.  I’m bad.)  I believe my ticket was around $150.  Because we were so broke after I had lost my teaching job, buying groceries and putting gas in the car was difficult.  So at that point, my ticket may just as well have been $1000… Paying the fine was going to be difficult! 

The deadline to pay the ticket came and went.  That spelled bad news for Julie.  Until I paid the ticket, I was living dangerously by driving on a suspended license.  It was nerve wracking.

Finally, one chilly Friday (which happened to be payday), I drove home from a substitute job intending to pay my ticket.  (Honest to goodness… I was planning on paying it THAT DAY!)  As I drove to pick up my daughter at her community bus stop through slushy snow, I slowed to obey the reduced speed limit in yet another school zone. 

I didn’t slow down fast enough. 

To my utter dread, a police car pulled out of its hiding spot and flashed ugly lights at me.  I pulled over immediately.  Adrenaline spiked my blood stream.  I knew I had been caught driving illegally on two counts, but that was the least of my concerns.  I was due at my daughter’s bus stop in less than 5 minutes.  Zoe’s community stop at the local Bureau of Motor Vehicles (oh the irony!) was miles from my home on a busy road.  She was only in 2nd grade.  I had to be there!

A young brash police officer stepped out of his car and sternly addressed me through my rolled down window.  In a flurry of words, I tried to explain that I was in a hurry.  The policeman was unmoved by my story.  Trying to settle my nerves, I dutifully handed him my license and registration.  He went back to his car to process my ticket, and I stirred in the driver’s seat.  As the seconds and then minutes ticked by, I got more and more nervous knowing that my daughter would feel forgotten and abandoned if I wasn’t there to retrieve her at the bus stop.  Finally, in a state of panic, I opened my car door to try and plead with the officer to let me walk to the bus stop which was only about 3 minutes away by foot. 

At once, the officer went from harsh to hostile.  “Close your door!” he roared in warning.  I obeyed.  While I understood that his training dictated such a response, it took all of my self-control to ignore the mother bear response I was experiencing, to walk to the bus stop anyway, and to face the ramifications of disobeying an officer later.   

Finally, Mr. Grumpy came back to the car and handed me my ticket.  He then informed me that I could not drive because my license was suspended.  “Okay okay,” I thought!  “Who cares?!  I have to get Zoe!” 

After getting permission to exit my car, I lurched out of my seat.  I was wearing red silk ballet slipper shoes as I tromped through 3 inches of snow.  My feet were soaked within a minute.  Tears spattered my face.  A couple of sweet drivers stopped to ask me if I needed help. “No thank you,” I replied.  I would walk even if my feet froze and I looked ridiculous.  I didn’t want to explain my humiliating situation to another soul.

I arrived at the bus stop just as the bus was about to pull away with my daughter on board.  Mercifully, the courteous driver saw me and stopped in the nick of time.

As soon as I had a very befuddled Zoe in tow, I used a (thankfully close) payphone to call my parents and ask them to meet me at my car.  I did not own a cell phone at the time, what with me being so broke and all.  I silently prayed and hoped that Mom and Dad would make it before the tow truck. 

As my daughter and I walked back to my vehicle, I tried my best to explain what was happening.  How does one describe traffic laws to a seven-year-old?  Shame washed over me.  My very innocent and pure 2nd grade daughter had a front row seat to witness her mother being disciplined not only by man, but also the Lord.  Clearly Jesus had had enough of my continued disobedience on the road, and He was sternly correcting me.  God disciplines those He loves, and man I was loved that day. (Hebrews 12:6)       

Thankfully, my parents showed up in time to rescue Zoe, me and my car.  As soon as they drove me to my apartment, I paid the outstanding ticket.  Then, I went into my bedroom, closed the door, and howled. It was one of those rare cries where the pain and frustration accumulated over many months came spilling out in the course of a few minutes.  (This period of my life was very difficult as I’ve described in earlier stories.)  The cry was ugly, cathartic, and exhausting.  My mother sat by my side, patted my back, and said absolutely nothing as my body was wracked with sobs.  There is a time for corrective reproof.  She was wise enough to know that this was not the moment for such discussions. I’ll never be able to say enough thanks for her nonjudgmental presence that afternoon.  

In typical Julie fashion, after my good cry, I pulled up my boot straps and dealt with my crazy afternoon.  I was never one to wallow, and God’s joy was and is always my strength. (Psalm 28:7)  Within a few days, I could laugh and roll my eyes at the ridiculousness of my decisions. 

By now you might be wondering where the miracle is in this story.  After all, the title of this blog is I Have Seen Miracles.  Keep reading.  It’s a doozie.

Because I had been pulled over for driving on a suspended license, I was due in traffic court in a few weeks.  The scheduled afternoon came, and as I drove to the courthouse, I prayed a little prayer.  “Lord, You and I both know that I am completely guilty of speeding and driving illegally.  I won’t even try to deny it or give excuses.  Please be with me and grant me grace as I face the judge.”

When I arrived at court, I was astonished by the number of people gathered.  A line of at least fifty yards filled the rotunda of the vast building.  “Great,” I thought.  “I’m going to be here all night!”

As many others and I waited for the courtroom doors to open, I made small talk with those next to me in line.  I know I talked about Jesus some- I always do.  After some time passed, a gentleman standing behind me began to discuss his particular case with anyone who would listen.  He had been pulled over for speeding, and it was his intention to try and find some loop hole to get out of paying the fine.  After listening to his arrogance for as long as I could handle, I turned around and simply said, “But, are you guilty?”  He blinked at me when I interrupted his reverie.  I continued, “When I face the judge, I’m not going to give an excuse.  I’m going to go in there and tell the judge that I am guilty, because I am.”  After a beat, he shrugged me off with a few words obviously intent on sticking to his weaseling plan.   

Literally less than thirty seconds later, those of us standing in line were interrupted from our small talk when we heard the sound of a lady’s voice yelling over the crowed, “Julie So-and-So?”  (I’m not sharing my last name here for obvious reasons.)  “Julie?” 

“I’m Julie,” I replied, waving to her as I did so.  She walked over to me, checked my ID, and then said, “Your case has been thrown out.  You are free to go.”

My face morphed quickly into an earsplitting grin.  The guy behind me was absolutely dumbfounded as well as all the other drivers within earshot.  I didn’t have a clue why in the natural world my case was thrown out, but I had no doubt that Jesus had heard my prayer and answered beyond what I could have possibly hoped or thought. (Jeremiah 29:11)

I have had time to reflect on this whole experience, and I believe it is a beautiful parable of what Christ did for me at the cross.  I was guilty that day, but allowed to go free without punishment.  Christ was guiltless, but because of His great love for me, He died on the cross to bear my punishment so I could go free. 

Those that approach the Judge of the Universe trying to convince Him that they are innocent of breaking His laws defined in the 10 Commandments will get just punishment for their actions.  On that Great Day just as so many do in today’s culture, many folks will try to justify themselves according to their own standards.  They’ll say to the Judge, “I’m a good person.  I never did anything really bad.  Sure I told a few lies, but I never murdered or raped anyone.  I gave to the poor.  I was a good citizen!”  However, God’s standards are so high that He considers lust adultery and hatred murder.  According to the Lord’s law, we are all guilty.  (Romans 3:23)  Those that try to justify themselves with their own works will stand condemned in front of the Judge.  Isaiah says it succinctly: “All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away.”

However, the Good News of the Gospel promises that if we approach Jesus by admitting our sin and asking for His forgiveness, He grants rivers of unmerited grace and mercy.  Just as I was allowed to walk free even though I was clearly guilty of driving on a suspended license, the Lord Jesus will declare those who call on His Name innocent because of His sacrifice at the cross.  John 3:16-17, in many ways the Cornerstone of the Christian faith, joyfully declares: “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal live.  For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him.” Isaiah said 700 years before the birth of Jesus, “But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.” (Isaiah 53:5) And finally, Paul, writing to the Corinthian church says in 2 Corinthians 5:21 that “God made him who had no sin [Jesus] to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

This is THE GOOD NEWS!  Glory to God!  May we believe and rest in these precious promises.   

The words to my favorite hymn bubble up just now as I reflect on what He has done for me:

Stuart Townsend
How Deep the Father’s Love for Us

How deep the Father’s love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocing voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast inJesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

Knock and Keep on Knocking

Posted in God, Jesus, Marriage, prayer, Religion by

I’m not a naturally patient person.  While today’s fast food, text message, Instagram, I-need-it-now culture hasn’t helped me develop patience, Jesus has.  The fruits of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control) take years of walking with Jesus to cultivate.  While I can be patient and kind in my flesh for a short time, only the Holy Spirit can develop a heart that is truly patient and joyful. 

When I started praying for my husband’s salvation, I honestly expected a quick answer because I had been so loved and “spoiled” by my kind Daddy those first few months.  Living with Jesus as a baby Christian felt like living in a holy bubble.  Everything was sweet, colors were bright, and I was always protected.  Most importantly, God was merciful and gracious by answering many of my childlike prayers almost immediately.  When I prayed for my brother’s salvation, for instance, it happened within months!  Many days I would pray for the Lord’s provision because our budget was super tight, and within hours of those prayers, I’d often find an unexpected check in the mail or a surprise gift of food, clothing, or whatever it was that we needed.  One day I prayed that a high fever would leave my daughter.  She was well within ten minutes!  Sometimes my prayers were silly.  “Lord, please give me a good parking spot so I don’t have to walk in the rain!”  He almost always answered.  Eventually, though, I had to stop acting like a baby Christian and grow up a little. (1 Corinthians 13:11)  So, Father began to wean me of immediate answers so I could begin to crawl and then walk in faith.  He also allowed me to face trials and storms that refined and caused me to mature. 

I’m not going to lie.  The transition from baby Christian to toddler was hard!  When I prayed for Jason’s salvation, I was shocked when my prayer wasn’t answered as others had been.  Months and then years passed with no visible change in my husband’s heart.  In response, I’d cry manipulative tears to Jason and yes, even to God.  “Please change him!” I’d beg.  When that didn’t work, I‘d indignantly stomp away from God’s presence and peace to accomplish this important task on my own.  Like a three-year-old, my actions said to my Lord, “I do it by myself!”  I argued with Jason.  I coerced and reasoned.  When that didn’t work, I’d relent and admit it was beyond my power and then go back to praying harder.  I’d anoint his pillow and his shoes and weep into my pillow until it was ruined with tear stains.  Still my prayers for Jason’s salvation were not answered.  As my past entries have clearly demonstrated, God was not silent on my husband’s future salvation.  Jesus gave me words of encouragement and signs to keep me hanging on in faith that my prayer would eventually be answered.  God also stretched my faith further and promised that one day Jason would serve in youth ministry.  In order to see these promises, though, I would have to be patient whether I wanted to be or not!

After three or four years of praying fervently, however, my husband had almost no interest in the things of God.  It was about this time, however, that my prayers began to change.  I realized that the “change him” prayers were wrong.  Instead, I really needed to pray, “Change me.”  I searched the scriptures for much needed advice and decided to at least try to take the first steps to obey Peter’s instructions to unequally yoked spouses: “Wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives…” (1 Peter 3:1)

I’ll talk more about the often volatile topic of submission in another entry.  Today I’ll focus on the second half of Peter’s instruction when he said, through the guidance of the Holy Spirit, that it was my behavior, not my words, that would do more to win Jason to the Lord. 

Men are creatures of action.  They want to see results.  Advertisers know this, so men’s ads look very different than women’s.  To demonstrate the point, I suggest taking a trip to your local grocery store and meandering through the soap isle.  Look at the descriptions of men’s body washes and compare it to the descriptions of products made for women.  The difference is almost comical!  A man’s body wash might say something like, “Fresh.  Clean.  Triple action formula to remove daily dirt and grime.”  A women’s soap description might read something like, “Rich moisturizing soap that sooths and protects.  Beautifully scented and enriched with chamomile, hibiscus, and Vitamin E.  Relax and rejuvenate as you wash your cares away.”  If you watch TV ads, you’ll notice the same pattern.  Also notice how males spend their free time.  Think about the activities guys choose when spending time with other guys.  Gentlemen fish together, attend a sporting event, or canoe up a river.  Men were created to want to fix, do, take charge, and conquer.  In short, they want results!

In 1 Peter 4:1, the Lord wants wives trying to win their husbands to know their audience!  If we don’t, we can make the mistake of trying to win a guy with what comes naturally to almost every female: words and conversation.  Talking makes sense to us!  While men cultivate relationships with activity, women develop friendships face-to-face.  We meet for coffee or have breakfast together so we can talk, vent, and share!  God’s advice to me regarding winning Jason to Christ was to ignore my girlie instincts that told me to present hubby with lofty arguments for my faith (which he would probably consider nagging), but instead to change my behavior so Jason could see the results of living a life for Christ.  This request was a whole lot harder than giving a speech or well-reasoned argument! 

So, in short, I shut up.  I let the Holy Spirit speak, and I just continued to try to be more like Jesus every day.  I directed all that pent up talking energy at the Lord, kept praying, and never gave up!  I went to church.  I guided my children in the ways of the Lord as best as I could.  I served Him where and when I felt led. 

One of the ways that I chose to serve was in a ministry called Kairos Torch Prison Ministry.  For those that are familiar with fourth day movements like Walk to Emmaus and Great Banquet, Torch basically ministered in a similar way except inside prison walls to juvenile inmates.  Team members conducted three day weekend retreats on a biannual basis.  (To learn about 4th Day movements, click here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three_day_movement .)  Torch team members then followed up weekend retreats with hour long mentoring sessions once a week for the next year (or until the inmate was released) to make sure boys were cared for, loved, taught, and discipled long after life changing weekends. 

During my very first weekend retreat inside the prison, a man from another Torch chapter in a different state came to observe our new team and give notes for improvement.  As I prepared to leave the facility after a long, exhausting, and exhilarating time with precious boys, the observer came up to me specifically and asked if I had ever attended a 4th day event like Great Banquet on the “outside”.  I hadn’t and in fact didn’t even know what he meant or that Walk to Emmaus or Great Banquet existed.  He suggested that I attend a weekend on the outside as soon as I had the opportunity. 

The very next day, I attended a Bible study with my mother that was being held at a local Christian radio station through Moody Bible Institute Broadcasting.  During that study, a woman I had never met approached me and said, “Can I sponsor you at a ladies’ Great Banquet event?”  Obviously, I knew immediately that this was a God moment, so I said, “Of course!”  Although I was in another city for the Bible study, the Banquet was to be held at my home church, and it was scheduled for that very weekend!  For a girl who doesn’t have a lot of patience, this kind of timing was AWESOME!  I knew I would find out what the Lord had in store for me in a few days!  I could not have been more excited.

As expected, my Great Banquet weekend was life changing.  I have never felt more loved by God’s people- the Church- than during those few days.  I won’t ruin the surprise for any reader who may be prompted to seek out and attend a 4th day weekend in your area by sharing many details about the weekend.  However, something happened that particular October ladies’ Banquet that is critical to my husband’s salvation story.

On Saturday evening, the women at Banquet prepared to go to dinner.  I waited in line to enter into Fellowship Hall where tables were set up and food was being served.  When I entered the room, a very polite volunteer greeted me kindly and offered to escort me to my table.  I took his arm, and we began to walk. 

Suddenly the Lord spoke, “Ask him his name.” 

Um… okay.  “What’s your name?” I asked in obedience.  The young man replied, “My name is Jason.”  I started to cry almost immediately because I knew what the Lord was saying.  Because I had spent years walking with Jesus, I knew His character enough to know by now that this was another sign that He was going to save my husband.  When Jason saw my tears, he began to fill the dead air with more conversation.  “I attended the men’s Great Banquet two weeks ago.  It changed my life.  I gave my life to the Jesus and now I’m here to serve as I was served.”  Wow.  It just got better and better!

I immediately had a new mission: GET MY HUSBAND TO THE NEXT MEN’S BANQUET!!!  How was I supposed to do that, though, without nagging (something the Lord specifically warned me against in 1 Peter)?  I went home from my weekend and immediately asked both Jason and my brother to go to the next men’s Banquet scheduled for January.  (I had to wait 3 months for the next event!  Ahhhh!)  I thought it would make Jason more comfortable if he had a friend to go with him and thus make it more likely that he would agree to attend.  Of course my brother, an “all in” believer, was willing to attend. My husband’s answer was, “I’ll think about it.”  What a frustrating response!  I couldn’t push him on it though.  I had to be patient and believe that he would somehow make it to the weekend in January.

Finally, the month of January came and Jason finally agreed to go.  I was bursting with excitement because I just knew that all those years of tears and waiting were almost over.  My prayers were about to be answered!  A few days before it was time to drop Jason off at the church for Banquet, we went out for a dinner date.  After years of reserved silence on the issue of his salvation, I finally spoke.  I know that I wasn’t 100% loving and patient as we chomped our burgers and chewed over this most important of all issues.  I could and still can be a bulldog when it comes to apologetics and matters of faith.  However, I knew the Lord led me to point out something painfully obvious that evening. I told Jason quite frankly that he couldn’t spend his life living on the fence or just ignoring Jesus.  In so doing, he was really saying no to Jesus’s offer of grace.  I said, “Indecision is no.”  Jason got angry and clamed up as usual as I began to push- so I dropped the subject and moved on to safer topics.  I sighed inwardly knowing that I had done everything I could do- it was up to the Lord and His timing.

When I went to Jason’s Great Banquet closing ceremony, I found that the Lord did indeed answer my prayer to save Jason.  My husband went up to speak to the crowd gathered, and because he was choked up, he could only manage to get out, “I’m on a new path.”  I cried.  Others sitting with me in the audience who knew my story rejoiced with me and held my hand.  I no longer had to walk the faith walk alone in my marriage- Jason would be walking with me and my King.  I would learn later that Jason had been moved and forever changed by the true agape love and transparent fellowship of other believing men.  The brotherly love that he felt in that vulnerable, tough, broken, and rugged group had chipped away at any remaining doubts leading to final surrender at the cross.  Praise Jesus!

Because of my experience with Jason, I have come to believe that many churches have missed the mark in ministering to men.  Again, it’s clear that men want and are moved by action.  How much “do” can they experience on Sunday mornings when they are expected to sit, listen, and take notes for an hour and fifteen minutes?  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m all for teaching, expository preaching, and studying the Word of God.  However, I am of the opinion that it might be a good idea to pair solid Biblical teaching with outreach events beyond the walls of our church buildings so they our men can experience the love and grace of God first hand while “doing”.

Through the years, I’ve also come to the conclusion that men need other men. I spent so many years talking about Jesus with no change in Jason’s heart. However, Jason spent one weekend with “the guys” and that did it! While I rejoiced in Jason’s rebirth, there was a teenie part of me that was indignant. I thought, “One weekend? SERIOUSLY? Why would he listen to them and not to me?” But then I noticed with cursory glance at my Bible that Jason was no different than other men in scritpture. Moses needed Joshua.  David needed Jonathan.  Timothy needed Paul.  The disciples needed each other.  Even Jesus needed Peter, James, and John!   It’s clear that men desperately need other men to grow! For this reason, I began to pray shortly after Jason’s Banquet that he would get a spiritual mentor. The answer came a couple of years later when the Lord sent a man named John to pour into my husband’s life. The friendships that he has developed with other Godly men have done more to help him in his walk than I can express here. God is so good!

A year to the month after Jason’s Banquet, he was baptized.  He is currently serving every Sunday as a teacher in the youth ministry at our church and hopes to serve Jesus in full time ministry one day soon as God has willed and promised. 

The difference this time is that we can (hopefully) patiently wait together for this particular promise to be fulfilled.

Luke 11:19 “So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.”

Gifts

Posted in Jesus, Marriage, miracles, Religion by

When I got married, I was far away from God. Then, in His great mercy, Jesus called me to Himself. Although I rejoiced in my rebirth, the longer I walked with God, the more I could see that there was a problem. A BIG problem. I was living unequally yoked with my husband (2 Corinthians 6:14). Simply put, Jason and I were not walking on the same narrow path that leads to Christ. In fact, we weren’t even going in the same direction. Jason was heading south. I was heading north. God never intended His children to live this way because it is painful, annoying, frustrating, and divisive all at the same time.

As I reflect on this time, I am aware perhaps for the first time of how difficult my transformation had to have been for Jason. In the span of a few short months, almost everything that connected us when we had first dated dissolved away. I was no longer interested in the same movies, TV shows, or songs, I had no interest in partying or attending shallow gatherings where conversation was blurred by alcohol, and I had very different ideas about how to raise our baby girl.

At first, my priority was to “get Jason saved”. In my zealous desire to see his salvation, I did absolutely everything wrong. I remember one day in particular. I stood in our bedroom crying like an idiot sobbing into his chest, “I don’t want you to go to hell!” I lamented. Poor guy! I would give anything to have a video of this encounter so I could see the look on his face. It must have been a mix of amusement and annoyance. How did he ever endure my dramatics?

While my heart was in the right place, I was trying to do the work that only the Spirit can do. Instead of taking my fear for Jason’s soul to the only Person that could do something about it, I tried to win him for Christ using my own efforts. I anointed his pillow with oil, his shoes, his coat, and his car seat. I lectured often, probably making him feel guilty and put off, instead of feeling loved and drawn to the light.

Slowly, when I saw that my manipulations were clearly having no effect on Jason, I began to retreat emotionally. I stopped trying so hard. Instead, I directed my energies outside my home. I sought solace and fellowship with Christ, with my parents and brother, and with a Christian friend that I met at work. I poured out my heart to my friend instead of to my husband. I dreamed of serving the Lord in many ways, but never really included Jason in any of those visions and plans.

The end result of this was obvious: my heart became almost completely detached. I went to church by myself. I prayed and worshiped by myself. I even traveled without Jason or my kids. After a few years, because I had not invested my time and heart into my marriage, I no longer cared about my marriage. I just wanted out! “He doesn’t understand me!” I complained to God! “He’s difficult. He’s stubborn. He doesn’t love me like Christ loved the church, nor does he have any interest in trying!” I felt trapped and hopeless many days.

The lowest point came when I sold my wedding ring so I could afford to rental truck to move closer to my parents. I wanted to be nearer to the support system that I felt I needed to survive, and I no longer cared about Jason’s opinion on the matter. The ring and our marriage had little or no value.

Looking back at this time, I can see how selfish I was. Don’t get me wrong. Jason wasn’t blameless. But my heart was steeped in self pity and entitlement. God, in His patience and loving kindness, endured my tantrums and toddler like maturity. Hindsight allows me to stand in awe at the Lord. He was doing work in me to prepare me to be a partner instead of an island, and as always refining me in the process. Praise Him Who is altogether holy and Who knows me better than I know myself!

There are two things that kept me clinging to hope and to my marriage vows throughout these years. The first and all encompassing reason was my love for Jesus. I loved my Lord (Lord = King and Master) more than my own desire for happiness. So, I chose to die to myself and lay down my desire for temporal happiness as a sacrifice to my King. I knew from all the hours I had spent studying scripture that God hates divorce. He hates divorce because He is in the business of restoration and reconciliation. In fact, all God’s efforts throughout the history of man have been to restore our relationship with the Father that had been severed in the Garden. How could I not then continue to try to maintain the connection with Jason? I was self aware enough to know that giving up would be because of my own hard heart and selfishness. I also knew others were watching my walk with God- many many others. I prayed for these precious souls almost nightly. They needed salvation just like I did. What would it say to them if I simply walked away from my marriage? What would divorce say to my kids? If I could stand firm and hold fast, I knew that our home would serve as a much better launching pad for their future service and ministry in God’s Kingdom. I had stay married if only for them! Finally, Jesus hates divorce because marriage is the only earthly relationship and institution that echoes Christ’s relationship with the Bride, the Church. This is a great mystery, and I wanted to uncover that mystery! I’ll admit this daily death to self was hard. Hard doesn’t begin to describe it really. It was gut wrenching and heart clinching- especially when Jason failed me. When he hurt me. The worst pain I endured was when he was aloof to the efforts I made to try and build upon our crumbling relationship. Throughout it all I continued with Jason because I loved Jesus. When I was weak willed, He was strong. His power is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

The second reason I stuck it out had to do with a promise. In my communion and conversations with God in prayer, Jesus said that Jason was called to youth ministry. He promised that one day Jason and I would plow side by side, equally yoked, in God’s service. This promise was confirmed by a precious few (including the mysterious woman who wrote me the encouraging letter described in my last post). The promise was given before Jason was saved, and it took faith to believe. I may have lacked discipline at this point in my walk. I may have been selfish. The one thing the Lord has always given me in abundance is faith. So, I clung to this promise with all my might during the really really tough days.

As I clung to this promise, the Lord would often remind me of the reasons I fell in love with Jason. Back in the summer before we married in a hurried frenzy, we worked together at a YMCA summer camp. He was one of the associate directors of the camp, and I was a lowly camp counselor. Growing up, I had a reputation for being observant. I had always watched and observed others closely, and Jason was no exception. I spent many days that summer with my probing eyes on Jason. As I watched him work, my respect for him grew. The kids at the camp absolutely adored him. He was brash, cocky, and could handle both the campers and parents in an unfamiliar inner-city population with ease. His brutal honesty was something that I wasn’t used to, but I loved it nonetheless. I knew exactly where I stood after a conversation with Jason. I also recognized and valued Jason for his strengh. There were many days that summer when I struggled to control my assigned group of campers. Because I had had such a sheltered suburban upbringing, I had no idea how to handle the problems and disrespect that urban kids can throw at authority figures. So, when I was failing, Jason would come and literally rescue me. At first, it wasn’t preferential treatment. He rescued all counselors who struggled because he just had a way with the students. Then, after we started dating, he became my knight in shining armor whenever I faltered or was overwhelmed. I felt protected, cared for, and loved just knowing that he was in the same building. Years later, God would constantly remind me of these qualities, and would further promise that all of Jason’s Godly characteristics would be put to use for His glory… someday. So, I hoped, prayed, and believed the word spoken over my husband.

After that low day I used my wedding ring to pay for a moving truck, things started to change. God really began to work on my isolated detached heart. It was during this time that Jesus stripped almost all material things away. The only thing I had left to focus on was my own selfish ways. Eventually, I understood that I had gotten it wrong when I had spent all those hours serving as only a single person should! In typical Julie style, I had run ahead of God hoping to do “big things” for Him. All my ambitions, dreams, and desires to participate in great missions seemed like good ideas. However, the root of those plans was selfish. They were my dreams and really had nothing to do with God’s will for my life. The Lord had to use the hook on His Shepherd’s staff to pull me back to Him and His heart and will. I had to repent of my ways and behave differently! Again, I had to lay down my dreams and die to myself. My desire to “go” and “do” for the Kingdom would have to be put on the back burner for a time while I concentrated on far more pressing matters: loving my husband and children. Jesus beautifully and kindly taught me that being a good mother and wife was just as important to Him as feeding orphans and visiting prisoners.

One evening during this season, I was spending some time walking around the local town square with my twin brother. We were chatting like we always do when my best friend and I get together and looking for some place tasty to have dinner. As we walked passed little boutiques and shops, I saw an advertisement for a beautiful wedding band set. I frowned down at my naked ring finger and prayed a silent repentant prayer, “Lord, I would really like to have a wedding ring.” God responded with one of those goosebump raising replies that indicate He is indeed sovereign and the examiner of all hearts. He said, “You will get a ring when you are ready.” Wow. How much had been said and implied in that one small kiss of a sentence? He knew I was working on changing the direction of my heart- and recognized my effort. Jesus also had said with only a few words that I hadn’t arrived yet. Finally, enclosed in those words was a promise: I would get a ring when my heart had matured and was spiritually ready to be married. “OK, Lord. I’ll wait on Your timing,” I replied.

A few months passed. At first, I impatiently waited for a ring to mysteriously fall from the sky and drop into my lap. That never happened. The daily grind and monotonous tone of my life continued to try to wear down my resolve to stay faithful to my vows and persuade me to wave a white flag of defeat. Throughout this time as always, I sought strength and encouragement to continue in the Body of Christ. Because I loved writing, I found solace and kindred spirits in an online Christian forum. I met so many beautiful people from across the country and around the word during the days I was active in this online thriving community. I established life long intimate connections with a few precious saints including a friend that lives in North Carolina, one in Illinois, one in Washington, and still another in Oklahoma.

One day on the forum, a beautiful artistic lady living on the east coast named Laurel wrote an open message to members describing a dream she had had the night before. Laurel knew she was to paint a picture of two children dressed in black, and that the children were connected to the forum. After reading the description of her dream, I knew that the picture she was describing was a recent photo of my children! When I sent her this particular photograph, she quickly wrote an ecstatic reply confirming that, yes, these were indeed the children she saw in her dream! Laurel promised to begin working on painting my beloveds and to send the painting to me when she was finished. I was flabbergasted! Laurel knew that I was dabbling in painting myself. What she didn’t know was that I had given all my creations away. I thanked God. We do reap exactly what we sow (Galatians 6:7).

During spring break 2008, my daughter and I made a trip to Oklahoma to visit one of my forum friends, Valerie. It was a great time in the Lord! Valerie has four daughters, so Zoe played and connected with her kids while Valerie and I prayed, laughed and fellowshipped. The whole time I was gone, however, I missed my family. In fact, the theme of the entire trip was family. I knew that God was honored and served by how His beautiful daughter and my friend served her husband, daughters, and parents. She was a model of womanhood, and I wanted to be as beautiful as she was! As I drove back home after my few days in Oklahoma, the closer I got to Indiana, the longer the miles became. I was so excited to see my husband and son! I couldn’t wait to get home, throw my arms around Jason, and begin to love him as I had seen Valerie love.

I pulled into my apartment complex and lugged my bags up the stairs. I remember that I was completely alone, so I must have dropped off my daughter to see her grandparents as she had probably missed them terribly while she was in Oklahoma. When I got to my door with my keys in hand, I saw that a big, square, brown paper wrapped package was sitting there waiting for me. I knew instantly from the package’s shape that it was the painting Laurel had made me. When I opened it, I cried. Here is the painting:

kids

Of course the first thing I wanted to do after opening the painting was to write Laurel a gushing thank you note. How could I convey how much her gift meant to me? I sat down at my computer and quickly logged into the online forum with shaky fingers.

Suddenly, Jason burst through the door. He was home early from work. “I have something for you,” he said. His eyes were excited and my heart fluttered. As he walked towards me with purposed steps, he reached into his pocket. To my utter shock, he pulled out a wedding ring. Not just any wedding ring. I recognized it immediately as my grandmother’s wedding ring that had been on her hand for 45 years.

That did it. I SCREAMED with shock and joy at the overwhelming grace of God.

I knew exactly what the Father was saying in giving me these two precious presents on the same day. The fact that the painting and ring had arrived within minutes of each other was… well even now words fail. Jesus was saying that my heart had indeed moved back home towards my husband and children. My heart… HAD CHANGED! I shook. I cried. I worshipped. Only the Lord could have orchestrated such magnificent gifts in His glorious, extravagant, endless love and perfect timing.

I called my mother immediately to thank her for giving me Grandma’s ring. When my mother didn’t answer her cell phone, I left a tearful message of thanks. My throat was thick as I struggled to form coherent but inadequate words. (My mother saved particular voicemail message and I believe still has it in her saved messages today.) What I didn’t know that afternoon but learned in a later conversation was that while I was in Oklahoma, God had spoken directly to my mother instructing her to give me the ring. Of course He had! I’m so glad she obeyed. Only later was I able to tell Mom the whole story and explain why the gift had meant so much to me.

I can’t lie. Things didn’t magically get better with Jason and I after this day. I didn’t find myself at the end of a some fairytale living out the words “happily ever after”. In some ways, things got tougher. However, change and progress is slow but as steady and faithful as the sunrise. Jesus promises to finish the work He begins (Philippians 1:16).

I will end this entry on a very happy note: God did keep his promise to save Jason. When I stopped “trying” and began to love, Jason became curious. (More on this later!) Today, he is currently serving in youth ministry and hopes to work as a full time youth pastor soon. God’s Word and His promises are true (2 Corinthians 1:20).

I have seen miracles, and they are precious and fabulous to behold.